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T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 






WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



Whose Little Bride 
Are You? 

A Farce-Comedy in Three Acts 

BY 

Edith Ellis 

AUTHOR OF 

"Mary Jane's Pa," "Contrary Mary," "Never Too Late," 
"Seven Sisters " "The Man Higher Up," etc. 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



P5 350'=^ 



Please Read Carefully 




HE PROFESSIONAL STAGE-RIGHTS 
in this play are strictly reserved ty 
tKe author, to whom applications for its 
use should be addressed in care of the 
publishers. Amateurs may obtain per- 
mission to produce it on payment of a fee of 
fifteen dollars ($15.00) for each performance, in 
advance. Correspondence on this subject should 
be addressed to T. S. Denison & Company, 154 
W. Randolph St., Chicago, 111. 

-Q> <:> -^o^ 

e4ttention is called to the penalties provided 
by the Copyright Law of the United States of 
America in force July 1, 1909, for any infringe- 
ment of the owner's rig,hts, as follows : 

Sec. 28. That any person who willfully and for profit 
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dollars nor more than one thousand dollars, or both, in the 
discretion of the court. 

<:> <;> <:> 

COPYRIGHl, 1919, BY T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 
CALL RIGHTS RESERVED 

DEC 26 1319 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY. 

Men. 

Dr. Benjamin Bellows 

Age fifty, a well-to-do retired physician, with an ex- 
citable disposition and a tendency for romance. 

Algernon Clawhammer 

Age twenty-eight, a modest and retiring young man, 
very good looking and of the intellectual type. 

Augustus May 

Age thirty, a stocky, amiable Englishman with a Cock- 
ney accent. 

Simeon Singleton 

Age fifty-two, a gay clubman, showing traces of dissi- 
pation and high living. 

George Tobin 

Age twenty-one but looks less. Rather short and very 
boyisfi manner. 

Women. 

Florence Bellows 

Age twenty, a char?ning, refined girl. 

Mrs. MacEckron 

Age thirty-five, but looks younger. Up-to-date, fash- 
ionable woman of the world. 

Dolly MacEckron 

Age sixteen, very small figure, but shrewd face. 

Maggie Brady 

Age twenty-two, handsome, but commonplace sort of 
beautv. 

Mrs. Amelia Tobin 

Age forty-eight, weighs two hundred pounds, with a 
very strident and positive manner. 

Time : Tlie Present. 

Time of Playing — Two and One-Half Hours. 
5 



6 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Synopsis of Scenes. 

All three acts take place in the living room of Dr. 
Bellows' residence in Rahway, N. J. 
Act I. Noon. 
Act II. Late afternoon. 
Act III. Evening. 



COSTUMES. 

Dr. Bellows — Act First, morning suit and smok- 
ing jacket. Second Act, the same, with coat of 
morning suit. Third Act, change to evening dress. 

Algernon Clawhammer — Cutaway suit and Fe- 
dora hat. Disreputable, faded and worn old bath 
robe. Also cotton bathrobe for steam bath scene. 
Act III, evening dress. 

Augustus May — Rather sporty looking checked 
traveling suit and Derby hat. 

George Tobin — Light Knickerbocker suit, suit- 
able for boy of sixteen. Cap or straw hat. Third 
Act, same c " plain dark material. 

Florence Bellows — Acts I and II, thin light 
summer dress and fancy apron. Act III, modest 
evening dress. 

Mrs. MacEckron — First Act, smart sport suit. 
Second Act, handsome afternoon gown. Third Act, 
elaborate evening gown and fan. 

Dolly MacEckron — Acts I and II, summer dress 
suitable for a child of ten, siash and big bow hair rib- 
bon, flat heels. Act III, child's white evening dress 
over colored slip. Stockings and slippers to match. 

Maggie Brady — First Act, flashy, loud silk dress, 
hat, parasol and handbag. Act II, same dress, hat 
off. Act III, evening dress given her by Florence de- 
scribed in First Act. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 7 

Mrs. Tobin — Rather old-fashioned, but loud silk 
dress and hat, traveling duster, handbag and gloves. 
Second Act, same dress. Third Act, old-fashioned 
white satin dress, cotton net veil and orange blossoms. 



TO THE STAGE DIRECTOR. 

The success of this farce depends upon the brisk- 
ness of the action and in the picking up of cues 
sharply so that the dialogue does not drag. All the 
parts must be played with absolute sincerity and seri- 
ousness in order to create the illusion of reality. 



PROPERTY PLOT. 
Act I. 

Carpet covering floor of living room, or large center 

rug, and small ones on side. 
Rug in dining room. 

Dining table and six chairs in dining room. 
Side board on which is candelabra and dish of fruit. 
Linen tablecloth and three napkins. 
Dishes, silver and glass ware. 
Two dishes of food. 
Two cocktail glasses. 

Two sherry glasses and decanter, plate of bread. 
Large center table in living room. 
Large arm chair. 

Four smaller chairs. ' 

Sofa or divan and cushions. 
Two folding screens. 
Two small stands. 
Handsome lamp on table. 
Four books and six maa-azincs on table. 



8 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Steam bath made of wood or canvas, one side to open. 

It is a box-like affair, the head to pass through 

the top ; trumpet attached or motor horn. 
Mantel-piece down left with mantel ornaments. 
Large paintings on wall. 
Watering can for Florence. 
Large doll and doll carriage for Dolly. 
Letter with lower corner torn off for Dr. Bellows, 

also business letter. 
Small old-fashioned card photograph for Dr. Bellows. 
Circus bill for Maggie. 
Parasol and handbag for Maggie. 
Electric bell for door bell to ring off right. 
Suit case for Augustus. 
Traveling bag, suit case, artist's easel, drawing board 

containing sheets of drawing paper, crayons, 

and mandolin case for Algernon. 
Two suit cases, two handbags, a basket, a bandbox 

and an umbrella for Mrs. Tobin and George. 

Act II. 

Plate with two sandwiches and a glass of sherry for 

Florence. 
Carpet sweeper for Algernon. 
Dust pan, brush and dust cloth for Algernon. 
Cigar box containing cigar for Augustus. 
Match safe and ash tray on table for Augustus. 
Kitchen apron for Algernon. 
Second plate of sandwiches and glass of sherry for 

Florence. 
Tray containing whiskey decanter, water bottle, two 

glasses for Dr. Bellows. 
Steamer rug or blanket for Florence. 
Plate of cake for Florence. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 9 

Act III. 

Suit of pajamas, two shirts, collars, ties, toilet arti- 
cles, etc., as contents of suit case for Algernon. 
Hand towel for Algernon. 
Safety razor for Algernon. 
Soap lather for Algernon. 
Extra pair of black shoes for Dr. Bellows. 
Vase of flowers for Maggie. 
Pair of military brushes for Dr. Bellows. 
Check for Augustus. 



LIGHT PLOT. 

Act I. 

Time, noon. 

Footlights and borders full up. 

Act II. 
Late afternoon. 

Footlights and borders full up till near end of act 
when they begin to dim. End of act in semi- 
darkness. 

Act III. 

Evening. 

Footlights and borders full, table lamp lit. 

Borders or bunch lights on the garden drop blue for 

night effect, or if lacking these, keep the third 

border out altogether. 



10 WHOSE, LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



SCENE PLOT. 

Garden Drop 



Interior Backing^ 




StandQ nr 1"""'< ^n ^-^.^pp- 



Side Boardi 

Ooor 



Jo 



Pidestal 



Arm Chair 




^/ RiqhtDoor "■*" 



Footlights 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage ; C, center ; R. C, right 
center ; L., left ; 1 E., first entrance ; U. E., upper 
entrance ; R. 3 E., right entrance, up stage, etc. ; up 
stage, away from foothghts ; down stage, near foot- 
lights. The actor is supposed to be facing the audi- 
ence. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



The First Act. 

Scene: A handsome living room. Glass doors at C. 
at back open in disclosing a garden. Long jog L. 
and an arch form an angle of the dining room. 
R. of C. door is door leading off into the rest of the 
house and in the corner double screens hide a me- 
chanical contrivance knoxcn as the Bellotvs steam, 
bath. Doors R. and L. and L. upper. Beloto the 
door L. is a mantel-piece and grate; large round 
table in the foreground R. C. Sofa L. Chairs and 
tables disposed decoratively about the room. Vases 
of floxcers, dignified pictures on the wall. In the 
dining room, sideboard against the backing, table 
with handsome service sets just back of opening 
with places set for six. Considt diagram for sepa- 
rate details. 

Curtain rises upon Mrs. MacEckron and Dolly. 

Mrs. MacEckron is seated on the sofa L. Dolly 

is seated L. of the table C. and is absorbed in a 

book. ,, ,. ^ 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

Dolly ! Dolly ! (No answer.) Dolly ! Dorothy Mac- 
Eckron ! 

Dolly. 

(Without looking up.) 

Yes. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

Will you put clown that book.? 

Dolly. 

But this is such a fascinating^ passage. 
11 



12 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

Do you want to ruin me? Haven't I told you again 

and again that you spoil all my prospects with your 

grown-up manner? _ 

^ ^ Dolly. 

But mamma, when no one is present I can surely 

be permitted to relax a little. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
Do you call that relaxing? Reading those high 
brow books? And you are always forgetting when 
people are present. As for your language, I can't 
half understand it myself. 

Dolly. 
I am sorry if I embarrass you, mamma. I am per- 
fectly willing to remain an idiotic infant until you 
get settled matrimonially, but you must not forget 
that I am sixteen years old and — 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
(Half rising in alarm.) 
Psh ! Not so loud, Dolly. 

Dolly. 
( Unheeding. ) 
I am sixteen and mentally precocious. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
Yes, that's my tragedy. 

Florence Bellows. 
(Outside R.) 
Very well, I'll attend to it. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
(In an undertone.) 
Here comes Florence, dear. Do please drop that 
book and play with your doll like a good child. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 13 

Dolly. 

(Sighing, picking up a large doll from the table, 
putting it in the doll carriage hy her side, and dur- 
ing the following scene she solemnly wheels the cart 
from R. to L. and back and forth up stage.) 

Oh, very well. But you understand, though I am 
glad to serve your interests, mamma, I do this sort 
of thing under protest. 

Florence enters R. 

Florence. 

(In a state of nervous excitement.) 

Dear Mrs. MacEckron, good morning. I am so 

glad you ran over and Dolly, too. Good morning, 

Dolly. (Dolly is wrapt in reverie and does not 

ansxcer.) 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
Dolly, dear ! Dolly.! 

Dolly. 

{Rousing herself.) 
Oh, I beg pardon ! 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
Miss Bellows is sa^^ing good morning to you. 

Dolly. 
(Stops her mechanical wheeling of the cart, assumes 
a childish manner.) 
Good morning, JNIiss Bellows. I hope this wonder- 
ful morning finds you in excellent health. (Resumes 
her wheeling of the cart.) 

Florence. 
(Looking after her in amazenwnt.) 
Isn't she the most extraordinary child. 



14 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
(Smiling indulgently.) 
Yes, poor dear. That's what comes of her being 
so much with grown people. You look quite flushed, 
Florence. _ 

b LORENCE. 

Yes, I am so nervous I could scream. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

What's the trouble.? 

Florence. 

The most unheard of thing is happening today. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

Really? ^ 

tlorence. 

Mrs. Tobin and her little bo}^ George, are coming 
from Skowhegan, Maine, today. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
And who is Mrs. Tobin? 

Florence. 
She was father's sweetheart when he was a boy, 
before he married my mother. A rural romance be- 
fore he came to the city. A year ago he happened 
to come on an old package of love letters and the old 
romance flamed up again. It happens that his Ame- 
lia is now a widow, Mrs. Tobin. 

Positions. 
Dolly 

(UpR.) Florence, Mrs. MacE. 

(Lower L.) 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
(Frowning.) 
How extraordinary. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 15 

DOLTA'. 

What an amazing resurrection. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

( Reprovingly. ) 
Dolly! (Dolly recovers herself, meekly takes her 
doll in her arms and plays with it.) 

Florence. 
Father's been corresponding with Mrs. Tobin and 
last week proposed to her. She telegraphed, accept- 
ing, and said that she and her son Georgie would 
come on here for the wedding immediately. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
How perfectly brazen. 

Dolly. 
Remarkable self-assertiveness. The rural psychol- 

"^^" Mrs. MacEckron. 

{Quite losing her temper.) 

Dolly, will you be quiet .? (Dolly tosses her doll 
up and down and her mother turns to Florence.) 
Dear little innocent. She's just crazy about long 
words. But really, Florence, I must say I don't un- 
derstand your father. You know the marked atten- 
tion he's been paying me. Every one noticed that 
they were marked. 

Florence. 

Of course, and I am as disappointed as I can be. 
This Amelia Tobin aflFair is perfectly ridiculous. I 
don't wonder that she wishes to change her name. 
Mrs. Josiah Tobin. Isn't that awful? 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

Dreadful ! ,^ 

Dolly. 

Not particularly euphonious. 



16 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE AR. . U? 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
Dolly, how often must I speak to you? (Dolly 
rocks her doll in her arms.) But, Florrie, dear, don't 
think for a moment that I care about this woman and 
your father. I think he's a charming man, and I 
won't say that I haven't taken his attentions seri- 
ously, because I have. I admit that I am very anxious 
to change my name. You have no idea how trying 
MacEckron is. -r, 

h LORENCE. 

Is it, really.'' 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
I should say so. I actually hate being introduced. 
People invariably ask me to spell it. 

Dolly. 

That's alvva3^s so disconcerting, don't you think so? 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

Dolly, mother is speaking. 

Dolly. 

(Goes up reciting to herself.) 

"Little Tommy Tucker, sings for his supper." 

(Her voice dies away inarticulately as she recites to 

her doll.) ,, _ . _ 

^ Mrs. MacEckron. 

Oh, yes. The name of Smith would be preferable. 

When I make a purchase in the stores, the clerks get 

it McGucken or McCracken, and it's a positive fact, 

my dear, that Mrs. Major McGuffen is wearing a 

hat from Madame Louise that I paid for and ordered 

sent down. _ 

Jb LORENCE. 

Couldn't you do anything about it? 

Mrs. MacEckron. ^ 
I tried, but by the time I got itiiil) T^VnfV.' 



W LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 17 



had gone out of style. (Sighs.) Bellows is such an 
easy name. I am sure there would be no mistakes. 

Florence. 

Well, let's look on the bright side. Something may 

happen yet. Mrs. Tobin's train might be wrecked. 

And anyway, when she gets here and finds how father 

rides his steam bath hobby, she may not want him 

after all. ^_ ,, ,-, 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

A woman from Skowhegan isn't likely to throw 

away any chances Is your father in the garden? 

Florence. 
I don't know, (Mrs. MacEckron goes up C. as if 
looking off into the garden.) 

Dolly. 
(rroppJ-n^r down to Florence, C.) 
Hive you seen rr.y dolly? 

Florence. 
?s o, dear, i ha ven't. 

Dolly. 

^_^"ery confAeniicVij.) 
Qh, MA^^a Bellows, can't you help me.? I am sure 
you must understand my position. I am doomed to 
the nursery until mother finds a second husband. The 
reasons are obvious, I am sure. 

Florence. 
{Gasping in amazement.) 
Well, my dear child! 

Dolly. 
T "an't- do anvthing I want to do. I can't even join 

•r'- ■ .b. 



18 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Florence. 
The Browning Club? 

Dolly. 

All my studies are wasted. As long as she remains 
single and tries to pass for a widow under thirty. 
(Putting her hand on Florence's arm.) 
Listen to what the poet says: 

"Spending weeks and months in learning 

What an A is, what a B is, 

What a C, D, F and G is. 

Till my brain is wracked and turning." 
From the modern Greek of Christopholus. 
(Goes solemnly up and puts doll in the cart.) 

Florence. 
{Looking after her in amazement.) 
Well, of all things ! 

Dr. Bellows. 
{Heard singing off in room R. C. 
"Believe me, if all those endearing youn harms." 

Enter Dr. Bellows R. C. .v ^ 

Florence. 
Father, Mrs. MacEckron is here. (Mrs. Mac- 
EcKRON comes down into the room again.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
{Going to her and seizing her hands warmly.) 
My dear Mrs. MacEckron, behold your humble 
slave at your feet. (Florence exits C. off R.) 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

At my what? 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 19 

Dr. Bellows. 
{Kissing her hands.) 
I should say at your hands. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
You seem very happy this morning. 

(Goes over and sits on sofa L.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
You are right. I am happy. This morning I'm 
simply bubbling over with poetry, romance and love 
for my fellow man — and woman. Woman especially. 
(Sits beside her on the sofa.) And speaking of 
women — you are looking charming this morning. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
You are quite radiant yourself, Doctor. 

Dr. Bellows. 
I a77i radiant. For two good reasons. In the first 
place I have had a bath in the Bellows Patent Steam 
Bath — a bath that would rejuvenate the sphinx; and 
secondly, I am liA'ing over again the days of youth — 
of dreams — of love. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

(Leaning tozoard him and hooking into his eyes, 

wooingly.) 

Really ? t^ t> 

Dr. Bellows. 

(Recovering himself and realizing his danger.) 

Of first love. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

(Coolinfg and drawing back.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
(Ecstatically.) 
Her name — was Amelia. Here is her picture. I 
have kept.it all these years. (Pulls from his pocket 



20 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

an old-fashioned carte de visite.) Just gaze on that 

Mrs. MacEckrok. 

(Looking at it frigidly.) 
Apparently this was taken a very long time ago. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Only twenty-five years ago. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
But time does work changes, Doctor. 

Dr. Bellows. 

{Very sentimentally.) 

Ah, dear lady, time may dim Amelia's beauty, but 

it can never destroy it. Those limpid eyes will wear 

their old expression, that tender mouth will form the 

same sweet curve, that slender form with its willowy 

lines will — . . _ . _, 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

{Horribly bored.) 

I never dreamed you could be so romantic. Your 

first love, eh? ^^ -r. 

Dr. Bellows. 

First and last. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

{Significantly.) 

But not the only — 

Dr. Bellows. 
{With a little realizing cough.) 
Hm — of course — there was Mrs. Bellows — and 1 
don't mind confessing, Mrs. MacEckron, that you 
have been — er — that is to say — {recovering himself) 
— well, mine is a faithful heart, and it has always 
held the image of my Amelia. By the way, she'll be 
here today, and the ceremony will take place this 
evening. 



So soon? 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 21 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
(Starting up.) 

Dr. Bellows. 

There's no use in delaying. And do you know that 

I shall not only gain a lovely and devoted wife, but 

another dream will be fulfilled. I have always wanted 

a son. If I could have had a son to dandle on my 

jNIrs. jNIacEckron. 
I never thought of you before as a "dandier," 
Doctor. (Crosses to Dolly, who is again absorbed 
in a book.) Put down that book, Dolly. (To Dr. 
Bellows.) Poor darling. She's so fond of illustra- 
tions. Come, dear, you haven't said good morning 
to the Doctor. (Dolly sighs, puts down her book, 
walks over to Dr. Bellows and gives him her hand.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
Good morning, my dear. 

Dolly. 

I hope you are salubrious — (catching herself and 

putting her finger to her moiith) — how do you do, 

Doctor Bellows. ^ „ 

Dr. Bellows. 

Bless my soul. I am very well, you extraordinary 

child. 

Florence enters C. from R. with watering can. 

Florence. 

Mrs. MacEckron, I want you to have a look at my 

garden. The roses are really beautiful. (Dolly 

trots up C, gets the doll carriage and exits with it 

C. off R.) ^ ^ 

" ' Dr. Bellows. 

Florence, ask Mrs. MacEckron to excuse you for 

a moment. I want to see you on an important mat- 



22 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU ? 

ter. (Goes up to screen in corner R., opens it and 

discloses the box bath connecting hose and steam 

radiator.) ,, ,, -^ 

^ Mrs. iviAcJiCKRON. 

( Frigidly. ) 
Oh, please don't mind me, Doctor. {To Flor- 
ence.) Really, Florence, your father is getting 
maudlin over this Amelia person. 

Florence. 
I know. But please don't be annoyed, Mrs. JNfac- 
Eckron, and do stay and help me over the ordeal of 
receiving Mrs. Tobin. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
I confess I'm curious to see her. 

Florence. 
Let Maggie go and fetch yours and Dolly's dinner 

° ' Mrs. MacEckron. 

All right. I think it would be rather amusing to 
stay. Dolly and I will be in the garden if you want 
us. {Exits C. off R.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
{Coming down C.) 
My dear, Mrs. MacEckron hasn't the sympathetic 
nature that I have always credited her with. I be- 
lieve she is laughing at me. 

Florence. 
That wouldn't be strange, would it.? 

Dr. Bellows. 
Ah, you women, even you, Florence, haven't quite 
come up to the mark. I want to ask if everything is 
in order for Amelia's coming. Is her room ready.'' 
And Georgie's.P 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 23 

Florence. 
Yes. And luncheon ordered. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Good! Good! 

{Lapsing into a very sentimental tone.) 
Come here, my dear. I want you to know that 
while I have arranged for my future, I haven't for- 
gotten yours. -r, 
*^ '^ Florence. 

I don't understand. 

Dr. Bellows. 
You have heard me speak of my old college friend 
and chum, Simeon Singleton. 

Florence. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Our attachment was very remarkable. In fact, 
our affection was so strong that we vowed that if 
one of us had a son and the other a daughter, they 
should marry each other. 

Florence. 

{Dubiously.) 

Wasn't that taking things rather for granted .'^ 

Dr. Bellows. 
Possibly. Yet by the very nature of our happjj^ 
companionship it stands to reason that our descend- 
ants would have been equally congenial. Study the 
law of heredity, my dear. 

Florence. 
And has he a son.^* 

Dr. Bellows. 
No, Singleton never married. 



24 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Florence. 
, (Relieved.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
But he writes me that his sister's son Is a splendid 
fellow, and would be a perfect match for you. 

Florence. 
But how does he know ? I don't remember even hav- 
ing seen Mr. Singleton. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Don't make silly objections. (Takes a letter from 
his pocket, the lower corner of which is torn off.) 
Here, I'll read you what Singleton says about his 
nephew. (Skims down the page.) "Those were the 
happy days. You remember the little dancer at the 
Casino?" Hm — hm — that's not the place. "The night 
we carried you home on a peddler's cart." Where the 
deuce is it.f* Ah, here it is. "My nephew is a model 
young man. He neither drinks, smokes nor swears. 
Is not a spendthrift, and so far has been a distant 
admirer of the fair sex." 

Florence. 
That sounds too good to be true. 

Dr. Bellows. 

"So far, he has only been in love with the arts. 

He is very talented, paints well, and is decidedly 

nmsical. Has spent some years in England studying 

voice culture." _, 

Ilorence. 

Musical, artistic? That's not so bad. What's his 

name? 

Dr. Bellows. 

Why, Singleton, of course. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 25 

Florence. 
No, it can't be. He's Mr. Singleton's sister s son. 

™, ^, Db. Bellows. 

Ihat s so. 

(Looks at letter and sees torn corner.) 

Where is the name, anyway.'' Perdition. 

Florence. 
Perdition.'' I don't like it. 

Dr. Bellows. 
No, no, that's not his name. I've torn off the very 
corner containing his name. 

Florence. 
( Disappointedly. ) 
Now we don't even know what his name is. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Oh, well, Singleton writes that he's coming here 
today on the one o'clock train, so he can speak for 
himself. „ 

h LORENCE. 

Coming today. But, father, what if I shouldn't 

like him.f ^^ t^ 

Dr. Bellows. 

Oh, but you will. His uncle says — 

Florence. 

I don't care what his uncle says. I'm not going to 
be handed over like that, and if I don't like liim, I 
simply will not marry him. So there. {Goes up C. 
pou mg.) j^^ Bellows. 

(Crosses to R.) 

Well, well, we won't cross the bridge till we come 
to it. (Puts away Singleton's letter and brings out 
another). I wrote to Higgins, the employment agent, 
Florence, and told him to send me a butler. 



26 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Florence. 

(Turning in surprise.) 

A butler? ,, „ 

Dr. iJELLovvs. 

Yes. Singleton is rich. Probably his sister mar- 
ried a rich man. This nephew may be used to a good 
deal of style. I want him to think we are accus- 
tomed to the same sort of life. 

Florence. 
My goodness, a butler. {Coming down to L. C.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
We don't need him exactly, but I shall get him to 
let me experiment with him in my work on my steam 
bath. „ 

FLORENCE. 

Be careful, Dad, you know you nearly killed tlie 

gardener. ^-k r> 

° Dr. Bellows. 

Nonsense. The gardener happened to have ;i 

weak heart, that's all. 

Florence. 

You'd better be careful. I hope the butler knows 

how to buttle. ^ „ 

Dr. Bellows. 

Higgins, the employment agent, telegraphs tjiat 

he is sending an A 1 man. He'll be here on the two 

o'clock train. ^^ 

iiLORENCE. 

That will be too late for luncheon, but in time to 
serve at dinner. 

Maggie enters R. putting on her gloves. 

Dr. Bellows. 
And Amelia may come on the same train with the 
butler. {He and Florence at this moment watch 
]M AGGIE sweeping up toward C. door.) 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 27 



Dr. Bellows and Florence. 
Maggie! (Slie pays no attention but goes on.) 
Maggie! (As before.) Marguerite! {She turns slowly 
at C. door and faces them.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
Where are you going? 

Maggie. 

To the circus. -^ „ 

Dr. Bellows. 

You'll do nothing of the kind. 

Maggie. 

( With forced sxceetness.) 

Louder, please. ,, „ 

^ Dr. Bellows. 

{Losing his temper and bawling.) 

I say that you will do nothing of the kind. 

Maggie. 
{Coming down into the room, her eyes narrowing.) 
I guess there's something wrong with your iiieni- 
ory, Dr. Bellows. Do you know what day this is? 

Dr. Bellows. 
Certainly. It's the 15th of June. 

Maggie. 
It's Thursday and it's my day out. {Turns to 

° '' Dr. Bellows and Florence. 

She mustn't go. 

Positions. 

Maggie. 

{Up C.) 

Dr. Bellows Florence 

{Lower R.) {Lower L.) 



28 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE Y OU? 

Dr. Bellows. 
(Sternli/.) 
Maggie^ we are expecting company. 

Maggie. 
Thursdiay is Thursday, sir. 

Dr. Bellows. 
And company is company. 

Maggie. 
(Fishing a circus bill out of he?- handbag.) 
And circus day is circus day. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Maggie, be reasonable. 

Maggie. 
(Reading the bill.) 
"The continents of Europe, Asia and Africa have 
been scoured to furnish this great moral entertain- 
ment that is applauded by all classes and denomina- 
tions. A gigantic and educational entertainment 
that has been endorsed by the clergy of the United 
States. A very colossus of amusement, crowned with 
the applause of approving millions, who have de- 
clared it to be pure, elevating and instructing." Do 
you think I'm going to miss that? 

Florence. 

My goodness. ^ „ 

•^ ° Dr. Bellows. 

Rubbish, rubbish. ,, 

Maggie. 

{Referring again to bill.) 

"A merry mingling of the greatest clowns on 

earth. An endless array of aero features. New 

songs, new sayings, new acts, everything new." 

Call that rubbish.? Not on your life. When these 



1 



i 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 29 



show people have been searching Europe, Asia and 
Africa to furnish me moral entertainment, I'm go- 
ing to get it, and nobody is going to stop me. 
{Folds the bill and starts up.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
{Going up on her R.) 
Maggie Brady, I command you to remain at 
home. -n 

l^LORENCE. 

{On her L.) 
Oh, please don't go, Marguerite. You shouldn't 
be so rude to her, father. 

Dr. Bellows. 

I admit command was not the word. I should 

have said, I beg. , , 

^ Maggie. 

It's all one to me. I'm going to that circus just 

the same. _, 

rLORENCE. 

Please, Maggie. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Here you've been with us three years. We have 
treated you like one of the family. 

Maggie. 

Hey? 

Dr. Bellows. 

Almost. _, 

Maggie. 

Humph ! -p^ 

Dr. Bellows. 

We've humored you and put up with — 

Maggie. 
And what have you put up with, I'd like to know. 
Just what do you think you've put up with now. 
Vm the one that does the putting up with things. 
{All working down stage.) 



30 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Dr. Bellows. 
Don't you get impertinent, now. 

Florence. 
Don't Dad. Be careful. 

Maggie. 
You put up with things. You old Betty. 

Dr. Bellows. 
(Almost exploding.) 
Silence! How dare you? 

Maggie. 
{Quite unheeding. ) 
You and your old steam bath. And all your talk 
about our livers and things. You ought to be 
ashamed of yourself. It's enough to drive any girl 
out of her seven senses. That old thing mussing up 
the parlor here. {Pointing up to R. corner at the 
steam apparatus.) I've had a mind to leave for six 
months past, and now is as good a time as any. 
{Turns up C. again.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
Well, go then, and be — 

Florence. 
Don't Dad, don't! {Follows Maggie up.) Do be 
reasonable, Maggie. Company is coming, but we're 
going to make it easier for you. We are getting a 
butler. He'll be here to serve at dinner. You will 
answer the bell and dust and do the other things 
as usual. , , 

MAGGIE. 

Oh, will I now? „ 

J^LORENCE. 

And you know that blue evening gown of mine? 
With the silver spangles you've admired so much? 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 31 



Maggie 
The one that always hiked on one side? 

Florence. 
Yes. I'll give it to you. 

Maggie. 
{Criticolly.) 
You'd have to have it hung right before I'd wear 
it. T-< 

I'LORENCE. 

Of course. And there are some other things that 
go with it. Now, Maggie, you will stay today, 
won't you.'* There are three visitors coming. 

Maggie. 

Three .^ Land o' living. Why don't they come 

one at a time? ^-^ t» 

Db. Bellows. 

We are going to confide something very sacred to 

you now, Maggie. Tlie visitors are really future 

members of the family. 

Maggie. 

Aw, go on, now ! 

Dk. Bellows. 
They are Florence's future husband, whom she has 
never seen, and my future wife, whom I haven't seen 
for twenty-five years. 

Maggie. 
Say, what have you two been doing? Writin' to 
a matrimonial agency? 

Florence. 
No, of course not. 

Maggie. 
Well, where is number three? You haven't sent 
for a husband for me, have you? 



32 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Dr. Bellows. 
No, my fiancee is a widow with a little son. 

Maggie. 

A small boy in the house .^ I've got to sleep on 

that. 

Dr. Ijellows. 

Now, Florence, do stop fussing in the garden and 

take off that apron. 

Florence. 

I like myself in this get-up. 

Dr. Bellows. 
{As bell rings off R.) 
There's the bell. It must be Singleton's nephew. 
Run, Maggie! Stop! {She does so.) That's a nice 
get-up for a maid. 

Maggie. 
Sorry you don't like it, sir. All the rest of tlie 
week I dress to suit my employer, but on Thursday 
I dress to suit myself. {The bell rings again.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
Run, Maggie, run! 

Maggie. 
Run on Thursday.'* I'd like to catch myself. {Ex- 
its R. with a dignified walk.) 

Florence. 
I'll go and see to the luncheon. Oh, dear, I'm so 
nervous! {Exits through dining room and off L.) 
{Bell rings again.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
{Shouting off to Maggie.) 
Will you get to that door ? Great Scott, here I am 
in my smoking coat, and appearances are everything. 
{Exits R. C. door.) 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 33 

Presently Maggie enters R. in a state of subdued 
but happy excitement, ushering in Augustus May, 
who carries a suit case and umbrella. 

Maggie. 

Come right in here. 

Augustus. 

Thank you very much. (Casts an admiring glance 

at Maggie.) ,, 

^ Maggie. 

Just make yourself at home. The Doctor will be 

back soon. . 

Augustus. 

Oh, dear lady. Don't give yourself any trouble 

on my account. (Sets doxvn suit case near the table 

R. He is so flattered at Maggie's evident admiration 

that he continues flirting with his eyes.) 

Maggie. 

Just sit down and be comfortable. The Doctor 

won't be lona;. . 

Augustus. 

Wonderfully democratic country, America. (He 

looks about the room.) Quiet old place this. Rather 

think I shall like it. ,, 

Maggie. 

Indeed I hope you will. (As he stifles a yawn.) 

You are very tired, aren't you? 

Augustus. 
Deuced tired. I wasn't expected until two o'clock. 
I fancy they'll be glad to see me, though. (Settling 
himself in the easy chair L. of C. table.) 

Dr. Bellows enters R. C. fully dressed, runs info 
Maggie at the door. 

Maggie. 
(Excitedly.) 
There he is. Oh, he's wonderful ! 



34 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YO U? 

Dr. Bellows. 
Run along, Maggie. {She exits C. off R. xmth a 
backward gkmce at Augustus. The Doctor comes 
down stage, nervous and ill at ease, not knowing the 
gentleman's name, but all smiles and affability. 
Coughing slightly.) Hm — hni. (Augustus turns 
tozcard him and rises respectfully. Dr. Bellows 
rushes at him, grabs his hand and nearly shakes it 
off.) Mj dear fellow, how do you do.'' I am de- 
lighted to see you. 

Augustus. 
(Completely taken off his feet at such a greeting.) 

Why, I— I— ^ „ 

•^ Dr. Bellows. 

Sit down, sit down, my dear boy. I know you 
must be tired. (Gets small chair and brings it L. 
of Augustus. Augustus remains standing. Dr. 
Bellows pushes him down in his chair.) Sit down, 
sit down, my dear fellow. I can't tell you how glad 
I am to see you. (Again pushing Augustus back in 

his chair.) . 

' Augustus. 

Your greeting quite overwhelms me, sir. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Let's have a look at you. You are tired. Just a 
little touch of yellow. The liver, the liver! 

Augustus. 
Perhaps I am a little out of sorts, but I — 

Br. Bellows. 
Naturally, the excitement, the journey, but I'll 
soon put you right. You shall have a steam bath. 
How's your heart.'' 

Augustus. 
In the right place, I 'ope, sir.. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 35 



Dr. Bellows. 
You seein pretty strongly put together. {Gives 
him a good slap in the chest.) 

Augustus. 
( Coughing. ) 
Well, I'm middlin' toughish, sir. (By this time, 
unable to comprehend the Doctor^ s actions.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
{So concerned with his oicn train of thought that 
he scarcely listens to the replies of Augustus.) 
Hope you won't mind if I ask you a few questions. 

Augustus. 
Not at all. Not at all. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Of course, the principal thing is your character. 

Augustus. 
{Feeling in breast pocket for a letter and not find- 
ing it.) I 'ave it in my pocket 'ere sir. 

Dr. Bellows. 
For after all, happiness rests on character. Y^ou 
will admit that, my boy. 

Augustus. 
{Dismayed.) 
Good 'eavens. I've lost my character. 

Dr. Bellows. 
I've heard about your disposition and education. 
They are all I could ask. By the way, how old are 

you.^ , 

Augustus. 

Thirty last month, sir. 



36 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



Dr. Bellows. 
{Delightedly rubbing his hands.) 
A very good age, a suitable age. Not too old, not 
too young. I only got the letter this morning tell- 
ing me when you would arrive. 

Augustus. 
Yes. He told me to follow the letter down. (Re- 
ferring to HiGGINS.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
(His mind full of his friend Singleton.) 
That's like him. Perfectly characteristic. Al- 
ways acting on impulse. Oh, my dear fellow, you 
should have known him when he was a boy. A bit 
too much of a sport, perhaps, but — 

Augustus. 
(Amazed and blinking.) 
Was 'e now? I never would have thought it. 

Dr. Bellows. 
(Pluming himself.) 
But there was a pair of us. If you could have 
seen us when we used to run up from Princeton to 
the city. Coster & Bials, the French ball at the gar- 
den, supper at Delmonico's — (suddenly realizing 
that this is not the tone to pursue). Of course I 
don't approve of that sort of thing, and I under- 
stand that you are a very steady young man. 

Augustus. 
I'm as steady as most of 'em, sir. 

Dr. Bellows. 
I'm glad to hear it, Mr. — eh — Mr. — er — 

Augustus. 
May, sir — Augustus May. August for short. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 37 



Dr. Bellows. 
Oh, yes, May. August May, That's very simple. 
I sometimes forget faces but never names. Now 
what do you say to a little luncheon, June, my boy. 

Augustus. 
Not June, sir, May — August May. 

DiJ. Bellows. 

Oh, yes. May, of course. What do you say to 

luncheon ? 

Augustus. 

W^hat do I say.? 

Dr. Bellows. 

Now before you go to the dining room I want to 
show you my steam bath. The Bellows Adjustable, 
Portable Steam Bath. The most valuable contribu- 
tion to mechanical therapeutics. No torpidity can 
withstand its magical effects on the liver. {Leads 
him up to the screen. They converse in an under- 
tone.) 

Florence enters from L. U. door through the din- 
ing room all excited curiosity to see the neiv arrival. 
She looks him over with a critical eye. Dr. Bellows 
resumes full voice. 

Positions. 
Dr. Bellows. Augustus. 

(Up R.) r^ 

^ ^ Florence. 

(Down L.) 
Dr. Bellows. 

I am getting out a pamphlet which I shall illus- 
trate with my picture, something artistic. I think 
that you and I will work it out together. I have 
lieard how clever vou are with the bnish. 



38 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Florence. 
The blue room is ready. (^Catches Dr. Bellows' 
eye and beckons him to come to her.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
Excuse nic for a moment. {Crosses to Flor- 
ence L.) . 

Augustus. 

{To himself.) 

Well, this is the most amazing situation. Talk 

about democracy. 

Dr. Bellows. 

Well, well. 

Florence. 

Father, I want you to let me introduce myself. 

Dr. Bellows. 
What a ridiculous whim. 

Florence. 
No matter, I want to see what he's like before he 
knows who I am. 

Dr. Bellows. 
And you've still got on that infernal apron. 

Florence. 

It's Thursday and Maggie has refused to serve at 

luncheon. 

Dr. Bellows. 

And of course the new butler is not here yet. 

Florence. 
What is he like.? 

Dr. Bellows. 
Charming fellow, with a beautiful English accent. 

Florence. 
English? 



WHOSE LriTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 39 

Dr. Bellows. 
Oh, yes, he's traveled a great deal in England, you 
know. „ 

TLORENCE. 

Go away, father, and leave me to introduce myself. 

Positions. 

Augustus. 

(Uj) R.) Dr. Bellows. 

Florence. 

T^ T, (Lower L.) 

Dr. Bellows. ' 

Have your own way. Now, July — 

Augustus. 
(Coming down R.) 
May, sir, Augustus May. August for short. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Oh, yes, of course, of course! (Going over and 
tiddng his arm.) Now, all I've got to say is, make 
good with my daughter. 

Augustus. 
(Dazed.) 
Make good with — (looks up in the direction of 
Maggie's exit C.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
(Chuckling artfully.) 
It won't be difficult, and you'll find her a delightful 

Augustus. 
Well, upon my word ! 

Dr. Bellows. 
(Picking up Augt^stus' suit case R. of fable.) 
I'll take your baggdge to your room. 



40 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Augustus. 
(Following and also grabbing the handle of the suit 
case.) 
Oh, no, really, I couldn't allow that. 

Dr. Bellows. 
(Trying to pull it away from him.) 
Nonsense, nonsense ! I shall take it up. 

Augustus. 
(Pulling hard.) 
Oh, but I can't permit you, sir. 

Dr. Bellows. 

(Struggling and straining.) 

Rubbish, rubbish, let go, let go, my dear boy ! 

Augustus. 

Well, if you insist. (Lets go suddenly, which pre- 
cipitates Dr. Bellows on the floor with the suit 
case.) Oh, I beg your pardon, sir. (Assists Dr. Bel- 
lows to his feet.) 

Dr. Bellows. 

Not at all. Don't apologize. It's nothing at all. 
(Is obliged to put his hand to his back from the nasty 
jar he has received. Goes up L.) Florence, see 
to the luncheon. (Augustus rolls his eye over in the 
direction of Florence a7id is evidently delighted to 
see such a pretty maid.) Now be gallant, you know. 

Augustus. 
(Surprised.) 

What.? With 'er.? 

Dr. Bellows. 
Settle the matter as quickly as you can and seal it 
with a kiss. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 41 

Augustus. 
(Stupefied.) 
Seal it with a kiss? 

Dr. Bellows. 

( Chuckling. ) 

Tell her I tol(,l you to.. You needn't mind the 

luncheon, Florence, I'll see the cook about it myself. 

(Exits L. U. through dining room with suit case.) 

Augustus. 
(After a pause, rather embarrassed, but boldly at- 
tacking the situation.) 
Hm — a — how do y' do? 

Florence. 
How do you do, Mr. May? 

Augustus. 
So your name is Florence. I think I shall call you 
Florrie ? -^ 

b LORENCE. 

Isn't it rather early for that? 

Augustus. 
Not a bit of it. The sooner we get acquainted the 
better. On the Q. T. you might call me Gus. 

Florence. 
No, I thank you, Mr. May. 

Augustus. 
Well, my little dear, how do we amuse ourselves 
down here in the country? 

Florence. 
(Indignantly .) 
I am not your little dear, if you please, at least, 
not yet. 



42 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Augustus. 

{Going toward her.) 

Well, the Governor said I might seal the bargain 

with a kiss, so here's where I obe}'^ orders. (Starts to 

catch her. She runs across R. and around table, he 

folloiving her. ) 

Florence. 
Good heavens, we haven't known each other five 
minutes yet. Don't you dare. Help ! Help ! If you 
dare! {Runs doxvn C. Augustus is now R.) 

Dr. Bellom's enters L. U. through dining room, 
still carrying suit case. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Now, then, luncheon is ready, September. 

Augustus. 
( Thoro ughly annoyed. ) 
It is not September. It is May, sir. Augustus 
May — August for short. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Oh, yes, May, to be sure. {They continue talking 
in an undertone.) 

Florence goes up stage, meeting Mrs. Mac- 
EcKRON and Dolly, xvho enter C. from R. 

Florence. 
Dear Mrs. MacEckron, will you save the situation P 
I am so upset I can't go in to luncheon. Father has 
to meet Mrs. Tobin's train, the new butler is coming 
and Maggie refuses to wait at table because it's her 
Thursday off. Would you be so kind as to have 
luncheon with Mr. May, and serve yourselves ? Evei'y- 
thina: will be on the table. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 43 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
Don't apologize, my dear. I am only too happy. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Mrs. MacEckron, allow me to introduce Mr. — • 

Augustus. 

Are you introducing me, sir? May, Augustus 

May. Wonderful country. {They acknowledge in- 

frodnctions.) ,, ^^ t. 

^ Mrs. MacEckron. 

M^^ daughter Dolly. (Dolly stares fixedly at 

Augustus, who finds her gaze disconcerting.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
(Crosses to R.) 
Luncheon is ready, if you will go into the dining 
room with Mrs. MacEckron. 

Augustus. 
( Gasping. ) 
I? Me? Take 'er.? Oh, I say! (Florence leads 
them into the dining room, Dr. Bellows shooing 
them in front of him.) 

Dr. Bellows. 

I'll join before you finish. (Over Augustus' shoul- 
der as they go up.) I am expecting my bride also. 
Quite a coincidence, eh? (Pokes Augustus in the 

ribs.) . 

Augustus. 

(Now reduced to absolute stupidity.) 

Luncheon? Bride? Yes, sir, wonderful coincidence. 

Dr. Bellows. 
You will find cocktails on the table and plenty of 
first-class sherry. Don't spare it. I've laid in a cel- 
lar full. 

Augusttts. 

A cellar full? Well, I 'ave struck it rich. (Goes into 



44 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

the dining room, seats Mrs. MacEckron above table, 
facing audience, then Dr. Bellows seats Augustus 
at the head of table, Augustus protesting. He 
finally seats himself, and though much embarrassed by 
Mrs. MacEckron's attention during the following 
scene, he keeps filling up on the sherry and becoming 
very familiar in his actions toward AIrs. MacEck- 
ron. Florence beckons her father to come to her 
up C.) 

Maggie enters R., still with her hat and gloves 
on and reading her circus bill. Dolly, L. on sofa, 
has buried herself in a book. 

Maggie. 
Miss Dolly, ain't you going to have any luncheon ? 

Dolly. 
I suppose I shall have to eat something, but when 
we are away from home mamma insists upon my eat- 
ing grape nuts or bread and milk. {Sighs and slowly 
enters dining room. Augustus seats her next to 
jNIrs. MacEckron. Mrs. MacEckron is seen to tie 
a napkin around Dolly's neck and serve her.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
{To Maggie.) 
You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Three 
guests in that dining room and no one to serve them. 
And you, Florence, why don't you go in there .^^ 

Florence. 
I can't endure that disgusting man. 

Maggie. 
Disgusting? He looks like a regular prince to me. 

Dr. Bellows. 
You're right, Maggie. He's a very engaging 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 45 

young fellow. (Bell rings off K.) There's the bell. 
Go on, Maggie. Why don't you take off that hat.'' 

Maggie. 
(Going R.) 
Because I'm going to get to the circus grounds in 
time to see that aeroplane man fly upside down. (Ex- 
its R.) „ 

FLORENCE. 

Now, father, you might as well know first as last. 
I don't like him at all. He's a conceited, insufferable 
creature, and I wouldn't marry him if he was the last 
man on earth. So there. (Goes up into the dining 
room and tends to the guests. Augustus throwing 
killing glances at her. Dr. Bellows, thoroughly 
discouraged, throws himself into a chair R. of table, 
mops his brow with dismay and mortification.) 

Dr. Bellows. 

This is a nice how do you do. I don't know what 

Singleton will think. But when a woman won't, she 

won't. +7? 

jMaggik enters n. 

^Iaggie. 
There is a man out here with a lot of luggage. 

Dr. Belloavs. 
Oh, the new butler, I suppose. I don't feel like 
talking about wages and references. Maggie, tell 
him to sit down here. I'll be back presently. (Mag- 
gie exits R. Dr. Bellows goes up into the dining 
room, fcdks to his guests.) 

Florence exits L. U. door. Maggie re-enters R., 
ushering in Algernon Clawhammer. He is laden 
with suit case, handbag, leather hat box, easel and 
drawing board and a mandolin case. Maggie is very 



46 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

indifferent to him and his manner is hesitating and 

rather shy. . 

Algernok. 

Did — did I understand you to say that Dr. Bel- 
lows was at home? _ . 

Maggie. 

{Verij indifferently, pidling off her gloves by the 
fingers. ) 
He'll be here presently. 

Algernon. 

Oh, presently. _ . 

Maggie. 

You're not above waiting, I suppose. 

Algernon. 
Oh, dear, no. (Sees the luncheon yarty.) I'm 
afraid I'm intruding at the wrong moment. (]Mag- 
GiE has been inspecting her circus bill. She looks up.) 

Maggie. 
You should worry. 

Algernon. 
I'm afraid I'm a little late. 

Maggie. 
(Her eyes on her bill.) 
The Doctor asked me to stay and talk to you. 

Algernon. 
I beg pardon.? Did you say — 

Maggie. 
(With disagreeable emphasis.) 
He asked me to stay and talk to you. 

Algernon. 
Oh, oh, thank you, yes, very kind. Have I your 
permission to deposit these articles — 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 47 

Maggie. 
You can deposit them where you Hke. 

Algernon. 

{Looking her over with dawning interest.) 

Is it possible that I could be addressing— why of 

course. {Straightens up, pulls at his collar and 

cuffs.) My dear young lady, I have journeyed all 

the way from New York in the belief, or I should say 

the fervent hope — a hope, it is true, that was mingled 

with fear — but the fear is also mingled with ecstasy, 

and in that ecstasy but one dream — a dream, I might 

say — 
•^ Maggie. 

(Up at C, frightfully bored.) 

Excuse me. {She exits C. off R. Algernon is 

nonplussed, looks about helplessly.) 

Algernon. 
So that is Miss Bellows. What an extraordinary 
reception. I'm afraid this is a very bad beginning. 
{Puts luggage upon table C.) 

Florence re-enters L. U. through dining room, 
her father speaks to her in an undertone, trying to 
persuade her to remain there. She comes down into 
the room and Algernon sees her. 

Algernon. 
What a nice little girl. 

Florence. 
{Very kindly.) 
So you've just arrived. 

Algernon. 
Yes, about five minutes ago. 



48 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Florence. 
I am sure you will be satisfied with everything. 
Dr. Bellows is a kind and indulgent master. 

Algernon. 
{Puzzled for the moment.) 
Master.'' (With a look at her apron.) Oh, I see. 
So the Doctor is kind to his servants. 

Florence. 
Almost too much so. They are apt to take advan- 
tage of him. . 

Algernon, 

Oh, well, this is the age of democracy. Many owe 
their present menial position to fortune's stern de- 
crees. „ 

I'LORENCE. 

It's evident that your parents have known the 
blessings of affluence. 

Algernon. 
Why should you think that.'' 

Florence. 
Your manner of expressing yourself. 

Algernon. 
I imagine education is making great strides in this 
part of the country. 

Florence. 
Yes, there is no excuse for ignorance, even in this 
locality. 

Dr. Bellows comes down from the dining room. 

Florence. 
Here is the Doctor now. {She exits C. off L. Al- 
gernon catches her eye. The exchanged look upsets 
them both a little. Dr. Bellows comes down con- 
cerned with his own thoughts. Looking at his watch.) 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 49 

Dr. Bellows. 
I am as nervous as a woman, I will soon be going 
to the station. I wonder if Amelia will know me. 

Algeknon. 
(Coughing.) 
Mem — Dr. Bellows.'' 

Dr. Bellows. 
( Very gruffly as he recalls that this must be the 

butler.) 
Oh, it's you, is it.^* 

Algernon. 
Yes, I'm afraid I'm a little bit late. 

Dr. Bellows. 

You're not a little bit late, you are a great deal 

• late. Of course you should have come on a much 

earlier train. . 

Algernon. 

• I am sorry. I came the first moment after the 

affair was arranged with — 

Dr. Bellows. 

(Irritably.) 

Yes, yes. What I've heard of you is satisfactory. 

I think you'll do. . 

^ Algernon. 

(Smiling.) 

Well, I had no idea it could all be settled so 

^ ^* Dr. Bellows. 

What's your name.? 

Algernon. 

My name.'' _ _. 

Dr. Bellows. 

Certainly. You have a name. I suppose. 



50 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Algernon. 

Of course. But I thought you knew it. My name 

is Clawhammer. _ _ 

Dr. Bellows. 

Clawhammer.'' I don't like it at all. 

Algernon. 
You don't like it? I'm sorry, but — 

Dr. Bellows. 
No, 1 can't be shouting Clawhammer all day long. 

Algernon. 
But would that be necessary.'' 

Dr. Bellows. 
Will you be quiet.'' Now where was I. Oh, yes, 
what's your other name.'' 

Algernon. 

Alsernon. ^ „ 

® Dr. Bellows. 

Good Lord. That's a nice name for a man in your 

position. . 

^ Algernon. 

I think it's a perfectly good name, sir. You will 

recall that the poet Swinburne honored that name by 

bearing it. -p. ,^ 

° Dr. Bellows. 

That will do, that will do. I can't be shouting 

Algernon all day either. 

Algernon. 

But as I said before, is it necessary.'' No one else 

ever complained of my name. And anyway, I am 

not responsible. At the time I received it I was at 

such a tender age that I had no voice in the matter. 

Dr. Bellows. 
You have one fault that I shall speak of now. You 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 51 

talk too much. (Algernon gasps.) I shall call you 
William. Algernon. 

(Gosping.) 
Call nic W^illiam.^ 

Dr. Bellows. 
Yes, it's a respectable name and easy to pronounce. 

Algernon. 

Viewed in that light, of course. Shakespeare's 

name was William, to say nothing of William the 

Conqueror, and so on ad infinitum. ( With a weary 

gesture he throws himself into a cludr dozen B. Dr. 

Bellows has taken a turn up stage and has not seen 

Algernon sit.^ j^ r> 

^ Dr. Bellows. 

( Turning C. ) 

Now then, Shakespeare Willhammer. Where the 

deuce is he gone.'* (Coming dozen discovers him.) 

Are you sitting down when I'm talking to you.-^ 

Algernon. 
(Very calmly.) 
You'll pardon me. It was a very tires.ome journLV. 

Dr. Bellows. 

^^'' Algernon. 

(Amazed.) 

Get np? 

Dr. Bellows. 

I can take all that out of you by giving you a 

bath. V 

Algernon. 

(Indignantly.) 

Now, really, sir. 

Dr. Bellows. 

But I'll come to that later. First, I want to know 

what you can do. 



52 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Algernon. 

(Amused.) 

I am supposed to play the mandolin rather well. 

Dr. Bellows. 

Play the mandolin.^ Well, you'll cut the mandolin 

out around here. I suppose you can brush clothes 

well.? . 

Algernon. 

{SjnlUng.) 

As well as the next man if I were to try. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Well, William, if you stay around here you'll try. 
See.^* How are you at waiting on table .-^ 

Algernon. 

Well, every good citizen should know how to carve 

a fowl. TA Ti 

Dr. Bellows. 

Of course you don't have to cook. 

Algernon. 
Oh, I once made an omelet for the fun of the thing. 

Dr. Bellows. 

With eggs at their present price we don't have 

omelets made for the fun of the thing. (He paces up 

stasre affain.) . 

" '' ^ Algernon. 

My uncle said he was peculiar. It strikes me he's 
a little bit touched in the upper story. (Leans hack 
in his chair and becomes lost in thought. Dr. Bel- 
lows consults his watch.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
There is just time to give you a good steaming 
before Amelia comes. William! (This means nothing 
to Algernon and he doesn't answer.) William! 



J 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 53 



Algernon. 
Shall I call him for you? 

Dr. Bellows. 
William! . 

AliGEBNON. 

Oh, I beg your pardon, I forgot. 

Dr. Bellows. 
William, I'm going to give you a steam bath be- 
fore I set you to work. 

Algernon. 
Work.? What work.? 

Dr. Bellows. 

You don't think you came down here to amuse 

yourself, do you.? . 

-^ ^ Algernon. 

( Very seriously. ) 

Oh, no. I take it very seriously. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Good. I want you to commence operations at once. 

Algernon. 

Operations.? {A light dcncning on him.) Oh, oh, 

I see. Very neatly put. You have a sense of humor, 

Dr. Bellows. -^ ,^ 

Dr. Bellows. 

I have, but don't you get fresh about it. 

Algernon. 
I beg your pardon. But that word "operations" 
was so subtle and so full of — 

Dr. Bellows. 
Never you mind what it's full of. Go in there and 
take off your clothes. {TJiey are in front of the R. 
C. door.) 



54 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE A RE YOU ? 

Algernon. 
{Indignantly turning.) 
This is going too far, Doctor. 

Dk. Bki.lows. 

Rubbish, rubbish, my boy. I am going to give 

von a real treat. . 

Algernon. 

But where is this — this steam affair.'' 

Dr. Bellows. 
{Opening screens and showing it to him.) 
Here in this corner. See.? 

Algernon. 
But it is all so public. 

Dr. Bellows. 
It was the only place I could make the connection. 

Algernon. 
But I don't feel that I need it. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Look at the whites of your eyes, look at the text- 
ure of your skin. Why, man alive, you ought to get 
down on your knees and be tliankful you came into 
my hands in time. That liver of yours would be set- 
ting up a nice jaundice the first thing you know. 

Algernon. 
Well, if you really think that I — 

Dr. Bellows. 
{Thrusting him off R. C.) 
I don't think. I know. {Folloxes him off.) 

Augustus. 
{He has partaken so copiously of the cocktails and 
sherry that he is now quite intoxicated and is get- 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 55 
ting very maudlin in his compliments to Mrs. Mac- 

ECKRON.) 

t 

I 'ave met man}' women in my time, Ma'am, but I 

reill say a lovelier pair of eyes than yours I've yet to 

meet. , at t^ 

Mrs. iMAC-hiCKRON. 

{Trying to pull her hand out of his grasp.) 

Really, Mr. May, I think you have had too mucli 

sherry. . 

Augustus. 

The ol(i bo3' has laid away prime stuff, 'asn't 'e 

now .^ „ 

Dolly. 

I shan't be a party to this disgusting exhibition 

an}' longer. (Shoves her chair away from the table 

and comes doxcn into the living room.) 

iNlRs. MacEckron. 
Dolly, Dolly dear, come back here ! 

Dolly. 

No more of tiiat for Dorothy. (Comes dozen to the 

l)ooks at the table.) 

Augustus. 

(Struggling to his feet.) 
It is with pride and — an — joy that I take this oc- 
casion to drink to your eyes. Madam. 

Mrs. MacEckrox. 
I am afraid your journey has tired you, Mr. May. 

Florence enters L. U. door through dining room. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
Florence, dear, I really think Mr. May had better 
be shown to his room. 

Florence. 
I quite agree with you, Mrs. MacEckron. 



56 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Mks. MacEckron. 
I think you had better speak to the Doctor. 

Florence, 

Indeed I shall. , 

Augustus. 

Here's to our sweethearts and wives, may they 

never meet. ( Waves his glass and falls into his 

chair.) 

Dr. Bellows and Algernon re-enter from room 
R. C. Algernon has on a bathrobe. 

Dr. Bellows. 
You get in and I'll turn on the steam. 

Algernon. 
But, Doctor, I — 

Dr. Bellows. 
In with you, don't stop to talk. 

Florence. 

Oh, dear, what is he doing.'' 

Dr. Bellows. 
{Turning on steam a^ Algernon goes back of screen 
and adjusts himself in the bath.) 
When you get out of this you'll feel like a differ- 
ent man. . 

Algernon. 

I feel like a different man now. 

Dr. Bellows. 

When I turn on the steam and it gets as hot as you 

can stand it, blow that horn that's on the standard 

there. -r^ 

tlorence. 

You must come into the dining room and get that 

horrid man away. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 57 

Augustus. 
Three cheers for Dr. Bellows. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Now, then, William, let me know when you've had 
enouffh. t^ 

® JbLORENCE. 

You'll have to get Mr. May to his room. He's 
intoxicated. {Bell rings outside.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
Is that the bell.? Great heavens, what if it should 
be Amelia. I should have been at the station. (Al- 
gernon gently blows the horn. He is 'plainly visible 
to the audience, as one screen has been folded bach 
against the right wall.) Florence, is my hair 
straight.'' {Brushing it rvith his hands.) Do I look 
calm and dignified .? {From noxo on Algernon heeps 
bloxeing the horn crescendo until curtain. He is evi- 
dently in great distress.) 

Maggie enters R. 

Maggie. 
Mrs. Amelia Tobin and Mr. George Tobin. (Mag- 
gie goes up C.) ^ „ 

" Dr. Bellows. 

At last, my little Amelia. 

He comes down C, turns toward the B. Mrs. 
Tobin enters R. with her son George. She is a 
two lumdred pounder of decided plainness and is 
dressed in rather a rural fashion. George is a coun- 
try lad of eighteen. On beholding her Dr. Bellows 
staggers back and falls into a chair. 

Mrs. Tobin. 
Benjamin, here I am at last. {Holds her arms out 
to him. The horn is madly tooting. Florenck 



58 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



crosses up K. and tries to turn off the steam, Augus- 
tus is trying to embrace Mrs. MacEckron in the 
dining room. Dolly with her fingers in her ears 
continues to read her book.) 



Positions. 



Algernon. 

Florence. 

(Up R.) 

George. 
(Down R.) 



Maggie. 
(Up C.) 



Mrs. MacE. 

Augustus. 
(In dining room.) 



Mrs. Tobin. Dolly. 
Dr. Bellows. (At table.) 
(Down C.) 

Curtain. 

Second Curtain. 

Mrs. MacEckron has broken aicay from Augus- 
tus, comes into living room and gazes at Mrs. Tobin 
in astonishment. Augustus is sitting on the floor in 
the dining room with his napkin on his head. Alger- 
non has fainted, or an explosion of the steam bath 
can be worked here if desired. George has advanced 
into the room and he and Dolly are staring at each 
other. Mrs. Tobin has gathered Dr. Bellows into 
her embrace, his face toward the audience showing 
utter dismay. Maggie at the C. door laughing. 



Curtain. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



The Seconb Act. 
Scene: Same as Act I. 

Discovered, Augustus still on the dining room floor 
leaning against a chair asleep, napkin over his 
head. Algernon cautiously opens the door of the 
room R. C. and walks painfully toward his lug- 
gage near the table. He is evidently somewhat the 
xvorse for his painful experience in the hath. As 
he gathers up his luggage and puts on his hai 
Florence enters from L. 

Florence. 
Oh, I hope you are not going. 

Algernon. 
Yes, I think I'd better. I don't feel quite right 
jet after my experience in the bath. 

Florence. 
Oh, I'm so sorry. 

Algernon. 
I am getting rather faint, too. I have eaten notli- 
ing since I breakfasted in New York this morning. 

Florence. 
Put your things down and I'll attend to that. 

Algernon. 
Do you mean that you could bring me something 
to eat.'' „ 

b LORENCE. 

Of course I can. 

59 



60 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



Algernon. 
Your thoughtfulness is very touching in the cir- 
cumstances. I was prepared for a great deal when 
1 came down here, but I certainly didn't expect to 
be blistered and tortured. 

Florence. 
Please try and forget it. I sha'n't be long. {Exits 
into the dining room and off L. U. door. Algernon 
casts an admiring glance after her, and with a deep 
sigh begins to put his things down again.) 

George. 
(Outside R.) 
Mo-ther, oh, mo-ther. 

George enters R., looking about. 

George. 

Oh, mo-ther. (Sees Algernon.) Say, have you 

seen ma? . 

Algernon. 

Only once. Oh, my head. (Puts his hand to his 

head as if it were swimming.) 

George. 
Don't you know where she is.? 

Algernon. 

No, I don't. „ 

George. 

(On his way to C. door.) 
Mo-ther, oh, mo-ther. (Continues calling diminu- 
endo through following speeches and exits C. off L. 
Algernon goes to sofa L., lies down, closes his eyes 

trying to rest.) 

Algernon. 

Oh, my poor head. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 61 

George. 
(Outside.) 
Mo-ther, oh, mo-ther. 

Florence enters L. U. door through dining room 
with a plate containing sandwiches and a glass of 
sherry. Sees that Algernon's eyes are closed, tip- 
toes to the table, puts down the plate and tip-toes to 
L. With a tender glance at him as she goes. 

Florence. 
Poor fellow. (Exits L.) 

George. 
(Returning.) 
Mo-ther, oh, mo-ther. 

George re-enters C. from L. 

George. 
Mo-ther. Oh, Avhere is ma? Fm Imngry. (Sees the 
sandwiches on the table.) By gosh, here's a picnic. 
(Goes dorcn to the table, begins to gobble the sand- 
wiches. Algernon opens his eyes and watches him 
in pained surprise. George jncks up the glass of 
sherry and smells it.) Licker! I've a good mind to 
drink it. (Tastes it and smacks his lips.) By gum, 
it's ma's wedding day, so here goes for a spree ! 

(Drinks the wine.) 

Algernon. 

Are you sure that was intended for you.f* 

George. 
(Alarmed, starts off R. calling.) 
Mo-ther, oh, mo-ther. (Exits R.) 

Algernon. 
What a tiresome youth. Oh, my head. (Leans 
back on sofa with closed eyes.) 



62 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Dr. Bellows enters from L. Greatly agitated. 

Dr. Bellows. 

It's a perfect sell. If anyone had told me that 

Amelia could change like — {As he goes C. he sees 

Algernon.) Well, upon my word, i this isn't — get 

up. Get up there. I never saw anything like this in 

my life. . 

Algernon. 

(Rising to sitting posture.) 

Is it really necessary for me to rise.? 

Dr. Bellows. 
Is it really necessary.? What's the matter with you, 
William? (Algernon rises painfully.) That's some- 
thing like it. Now, William, get busy. 

Algernon. 

Get busy.? ^^ „ 

Dr. Bellows. 

Yes, busy ; that's what I said. You seem to be 

perfectly useless in this house, William, so get outside 

there and mow the lawn. 

Algernon. 
{Doubting his ears.) 
Mow the lawn.? 

Dr. Bellows. 
You'll find the lawn mower around against the back 
porch. Step lively now. 

Algernon. 
When I came down here I certainly had no idea — 

Dr. Bellows. 
No idea you'd be put to that kind of work, I sup- 
pose. . 

Algernon. 

Frankly, I did not. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 63 

Dr. Bellows. 
Frankly, I'd like to find out just what's in you. 

Algernon. 
I see. Something of a test of my good nature, too. 
Oh, very well. ( With an amiable smile he goes up C.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
Come, come now, get at that lawn, 

Algernon. 
If I only didn't feel so faint. {Exits C. off L.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
(Sinking into an arm-chair R. and mopping his fore- 
head.) 
Oh, what a day, what a day. 

Mrs. MacEckron and Dolly enter C. from L. 
Dolly goes and sits up R. in chair. jMrs. Mac- 
Eckron smiles as she watches Dr. Bell.ows' des- 
peration. „ 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

Dr. Bellows, what is the matter.'^ Are you ill.'^ 

Dr. Bellows. 

Oh. {With a terrible groan and a shake of his 

head.) ,, ,, ,^ 

' Mrs. MacEckron. 

Dear me, what has upset you.'' {He groans 

again.) Is it so serious.'^ 

Dr. Bellows. 
{Looking up at her.) 
Have you seen her.'' 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

Who .? 

Dr. Bellows. 

M}' — my — that woman. 



64 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
Your Amelia? Oh, yes, I saw her. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Then how can you ask what's the matter? 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

But didn't you say that the eyes of love could see 

throuffh — Tx T^ 

° Dr. Bellows. 

Don't, don't, don't. Don't tell me all the fool 

things I've said. I'm nearly crazy. It's not enough 

that Singleton's nephew should be so unsatisfactory 

and that Higgins should have sent me a fool for a 

butler, but that Amelia, my Amelia, should be so, 

so — {pantomimes indicating her enormous size. He 

groans and puts his head in his hands.) 

At this moment Algernon crosses back of C. door 
from L. to R., pushing a carpet sweeper over the 
lawn before him. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

But you said that her mouth and her — 

Dr. Bellows. 
For heaven's sake don't tell me what I said. 

George. 
{Outside R.) 
Mo-ther, oh, mo-ther. 

George enters R. 

George. 
Oh, mo-ther. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
Well, at any rate, Doctor, you have the little son 
you've always wanted. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 65 



Dr. Bellows. 
(Shrinking down into his chair.) 
Don't, don't. _ 

(tEORGE. 

Say, have you seen Ma.'' 

Dr. Bellows. 
Yes, I certainly have. 

George. 

AVell, where is she.^* 

Dr. Bellows. 
Just now I don't know. Thanks to the stars I 
do not know. 

CtEORGE. 

Say, what do you want me to call you.'' 

Dr. Bellows. 

Call me.? 

George. 

Yes, do you want me to start in calling you "Pa" 

now.? ^ ^ 

Dr. Bellows. 

Certainly not. _ 

George. 

You are going to be my father, ain't you.? 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
Of course you are. Doctor. 

George. 

I hope you and Ma get on better than she and my 

last pa did. _, _. 

Dr. Bellows. 

(Sitting up.) 

Your last pa.? 

George. 

Hm, hm. ,. ^t t^ 

Mrs. MAchiCKRON. 

Do you mean your own father.? 



66 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

George. 
No, I can't remember him. I mean my last step- 
father. 

Dr. Bellows. 

Do you mean that your mother has been married 

twice already.'' 

George. 

Four times. 

Dr. Bellows. 

Great heavens! (Collapses in his chair with a 

groan.) 

George. 

Yes sir-ree, and the last one used to give Ma as 

good as she sent. By gee, they used to make things 

hum when they both got going. 

At this point Algernon crosses with his sweeper 

back of C. door from R. to L. He has taken off his 

coat. 

Dr. Bellows. 

This is the finishing stroke. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
Come here, Dolly. 

Dolly. 
( Coming down. ) 
Yes, mamma. {She is up R., George R. C, Mrs. 
MacEckron L., Dr. Bellows R.) 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
This is George Tobin, Dolly. Georgie, this is 
my little daughter Dorothy. 

Dolly. 
{With a curtsey.) 
Happy to meet you. From the agricultural dis- 
tricts ? ^ 

George. 

I'm from Skowhegan. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 67 

Dolly. 
Isn't he ingenuous? 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
( Reprovingly. ) 
Dolly, Dolly, see* if you can't amuse Georgie. 

Dolly. 

{Taking his hand and leading him up stage.) 

Come on, let's tell stories. {They sit and talk up 

L. C.) 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

Cheer up, Doctor. Look at your son. Oh, and 
look at your son-in-law. (Her eye lighting on Au- 
gustus in the dining room.) 

Dr. Bellows, 
Shocking. But he drank, I think, to drown his 
disappointment. Florence has treated him very shab- 
bily. ,, ^r T^ 

•^ Mrs. MacEckron. 

I don't blame her. He's anything but a gentleman. 

I wish you could have heard the things he said to me 

at luncheon. And the amount of sherry he consumed 

was unbelievable. 

Dr. Bellows. 

I am in a devilish awkward position. I've got to 

tell him that Florence won't have him, and he's my 

best friend's nephew. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

You can't buy a pig in a poke with safety, even of 

your best friend. 

Dr. Bellows. 

{As she has come over to him he pulls her hand 

through his arm and starts off R. with her.) 

Come into the library and give me your advice. 



68 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
Oh, but what Avould Mrs. Tobin say.'* 

Dr. Bellows. 
Mrs. Tobin be — 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
(Putting her finger on his Up.) 
Oh, oh, gently! {They exit R., talking in an un- 
dertone.) 

Algernon crosses at hack with the sweeper. 
He is now without his vest. Dolly and George come 
down the stage, she looking at him thoughtfully, 
he giving her bashful hut admiring glances. 

Dolly. 

For a boy of your age, Georgie, you are singularly 
lacking in self-possession. 

George. 
Aw you go on ! I don't know what you mean. 

Dolly. 
It's only a matter of psychology. 

George. 
Aw quit your foolin' ! 

Dolly. 
I mean that you are very shy. 

George. 
I'm always that way with girls. 

Dolly. 
It's a strange coincidence, Georgie, but you and I 
are in much the same situation. 

George. 
Oh, I ain't got a situation. Maw won't let me 
go to work. She thinks I'll get into bad company. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 69 



Dolly. 
That's only an excuse. Your mother and mine, 
each in her individual way, is practicing deception. 

George. 

Go on! T^ 

Dolly. 

Yes, and Georgie, you and I are the victims. 

George. 
Go on, you don't say ! 

Dolly. 
{Sqtiaring herself in front of him.) 
Now look at me, Georgie, and tell me how old you 
think I am. George. 

{Bashfully looking at his feet.) 
Oh, go on, I don't want to. 

Dolly. 
Come on, look at me. Don't be afraid. 

George. 
I ain't afraid, but I don't like to. 

Dolly. 
Don't be silly. Look at me. 

George. 
{Still looking at his feet.) 
Well, I'll look at you if you won't look at me while 
I'm looking. ^ j)^^^^. 

{Turning her head away.) 
All right. Now. „ 

(jtEORGE. 

Gee, you're awful easy to look at now. You're 

pretty, too. _ 

Dolly. 

Spare me your compliments. I want you to say 

how old you think I look. 



70 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



George. 
Well, you look about old enough to be just get- 
ting your second teeth. But you talk like you was 

old enough to vote. ^^ 

^ Dolly. 

Exactly. I am an anachronism. 

George. 
Poor little girl, is that so-f* 

Dolly. 
Do you know what that means.? 

George. 

No. Do you? T-w 

'' Dolly. 

Yes, I do. And, Georgie, you're an anachronism, 

too. ^ 

George. 

I am not. And what's more, I never will be. I am 

an American citizen. -^ 

Dolly. 

Your education has been sadly neglected, Georgie. 

I think I shall have to take it in hand. How old 

are you? ^ 

^ George. 

Eigliteen last April Fool's day. 

Dolly. 
That accounts for some things. Now, Georgie. 
tell me why your mother keeps you in knickerbockers. 

George. 
Sure pop I will. My Pa left me some property 
when he died, and Ma wants to keep hold of it. 

Dolly. 
Ah, now I see. Well, Georgie, I am sixteen. jNIy 
mother keeps me like this to make herself appeal 
younger. She wants to get married again, and a 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU ? 71 

tlebutante daughter with my vocabulary would be 
embarrassing. But if I were a boy, I'd rebel. Why 
don't you rebel, Georgie.^* 

George. 
I don't dast. Why don't you.^* 

Dolly. 

I am anxious to get my mother married off. She's 

no companion for me. I shall be glad to get her off 

mv hands. ^ 

"^ George, 

•Ain't widows the devil.'* 

Dolly. 
We ought to help each other. Your mother has 
i-uined all our plans. Mamma had very serious de- 
signs on Dr. Bellows. 

George. 
If ma does marry him he'll get a divorce. They 

all do. _ 

Dolly. 

Yes. Three of them and then one died. 

Dolly. 

On what grounds did they get a divorce from your 

mother? „ 

George. 

Cruelty and non-support. 

Dolly. 

Oh, I see. - , _ . -_ 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

{Outside R.) 

Dolly, Dolly dear. 

George. 

Say, there's a circus in this town. Wouldn't you 

like to see it tonia:]it? 



72 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Dolly. 
It might be a relaxation. 

George. 
I wish I could go. I am going to ask Ma to let 
me. I wonder where she is. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
(Outside R.) 
Dolly, Dolly dear. Come here. 

Dolly. 
(In her childish manner.) 
Yes, Mamma. Bye bye, Georgie. (Trots off R.) 

George. 
Mo-ther, oh mo-ther. (Goes off L. calling.) 

Algernon crosses, working his sweeper, his hat on 
the back of his h^ad. He has removed his tie and his 
collar is only fastened by the back button. In the din- 
ing room, Augustus, with a loud snore which awak- 
ens him, begins to stir. He pulls the napkin off his 
face and looks about him as if he didnt quite know 
where he was. With an effort of memory he recalls 
the luncheon. In a laborious fashion he gets to his 
feet, straightens himself out, throws the napkin on 
the table and comes down into the living r^om. 

Augustus. 
By Jove, I've been asleep. But how did I get on 
the floor? It must have been the Governor's sherry. 
No more of old England for me. Give me the land of 
the free where a man is as good as his master. (He 
has strolled up to C.) Well, that poor devil is 
'avin' a 'ot time of it. Must be the footman. Well, 
that class of people must expect 'ard labor. (Goes 
back into the dining room to the side-board and se- 
lects a cigar. As he is doing this — ) 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 73 



Algernon enters C, coat and vest on his arm, 
faint and wilted, and dragging his carpet sweeper be- 
hind him. He comes down stage and mops up the per- 
spiration. Augustus strolls down lighting his cigar. 

Augustus. 
Rather 'ottish, aren't you, old top? 

Algernon. 
It's terrible in the sun. And this lawn mower 
makes no impression on the grass. 

Augustus. 
Is that a lawn mower, old chap.'* I thought it was 
one of these blooming American carpet sweepers. 

Algernon. 
Perhaps it is. It was the only thing I could find 
on the back porch. I hope you'll excuse my appear- 
ance. I haven't had the pleasure of an introduction. 

Augustus. 

All in good time, my friend. We'll let the Doctor 

see to that. . 

Algernon. 

I am sorry to appear to such a disadvantage be- 
fore one of the Doctor's guests. 

Augustus. 

It's all right, old top. (Sits and smokes L. of 

fable.) 

Algernon. 

I feel the need of a little light refreshment. If T 

might take the liberty. (He goes up into the dining 

room at H. of table, picks up a piece of bread, is 

about to pull out a chair and sit when — ) 

Mrs. Tobin enters the dining room from L. U. door. 

Augustus. 
He takes a lot of liberties for an under servant. 



74 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



^Iks. Tobix. 
{To Algkknox in a loud and comntanding- tone.) 
Now what are you doing there? 

Algernon. 
{Taking off his hat and hoxving.) 
I beg your pardon, madam. 

MlJS. TOBIN. 

{Going off on a tirade.) 
I never saw such u liouse in all my born days. 
There's no head nor tail to it. Look at this table of 
dishes. Standing around at this time of day. {She 
commences to clear off the table, piling up the dishes 
just as Algernon is about to take a bite of his bread, 
she readies and takes it out of his hand as she 
speaks.) Never in all my l)orn days saw such useless 
help. No more good than a sore thumb. What's 
that cook's name.'' {Calls.) Cook! Cook! Come and 
get these dishes. {Turns to Algernon.) As for 
you, you clear right out of here. There must be a 
lot of things for you to do. 

Algernon. 

I haven't had the honor of an introduction, madam, 

but my name is — ^ , ,,. 

Mrs. ioBiN. 

{Walking doxvn into the living room R.) 

Your name is William. I know that much. 

Algernon. 
{Following her.) 
But did Dr. Bellows explain.'' 

Mrs. Tobin. 

Yes, he did. He told me all about you, and we're 
both very much disappointed in you. 

_, „ „ Algernon. 

Keall}'^ : 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 75 



Mrs. Toinx. 

But 1 think if you try and please nie, it might be 

be different. , 

Algernon. 

But I don't see clearly- — 

Mrs. Tobin. 
Just you keep quiet and come along with me. {She 
starts toward H., Algernon following, quite dazed. 
Augustus rises to his feet at attention.) 

Augustus. 

Madam ! t. r m 

Mrs. Tobin. 

Oh, how do you do. I've heard all about you. I 

am going to have a talk with you alone about your 

affairs. . 

Augustus. 

But I understood Dr. Bellows to say — 

Mrs. Tobin. 

Never mind what he says. The wedding will come 
off this evening, and then I'm going to run things. 

Algernon. 
(Startled.) 
The wedding will come off this evening.'' Seems to 
me that's hurrying things. 

Augustus. 
I'll be here, madam, whenever you wish to see me. 

Algernon. 
( Thoroughly alarmed. ) 
Did I understand you to say, madam, that the Doc- 
tor has planned for the wedding to take place this 

evening.'' ,, „ 

^ Mrs. Tobin. 

Yes, there's no sense in waiting, and there's a lot 

to be done to get this house in order, so don't stop 



76 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

to talk about it. You will have to do your share. 
Get along now. (Shoos him in front of her toward 
R. door and she exits. Augustus resumes his easy 
chair L. of table.) 

Presenilis Du. Bellows' head appears around, the 
R. of the C. door, looking; after Mrs. Tobin. Satis- 
fied that she is not coining' back, he enters cautiously. 

Sees Augustus. ^ „ 

Dr. Bellows. 

Phist ! Phist ! 

Augustus. 

^^- Dr. Bellows. 

(Advancing cautiously. ) 

Has -slie 0"one.^ * 

f^ Augustus. 

( Rising. ) 

^^^- Dr. Bellows. 

(With a sigh of relief.) 

I breathe again. Ah, my boy, this has been a ter- 
rible day, an eventful one for us both. I have some- 
thing to say to you, but not yet, not yet. My dear 
October, has your trunk come over from the station 

yet? 

Augustus. 

If you could just remember, sir, it's MaA' — Augus- 
tus May. August for short. 

Dr. Bellows. 

Yes, yes, yes, of course. Has your ti'unk come yet, 

August.'' 

Augustus. 

I didn't 'ave it brought over sir. It happened that 

I was a little short this morning. I thought if you 

would consider a slight advance. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Money.? My dear boy, why didn't you speak.be- 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 77 

fore. I only wish money could make up for my 
daughter's treatment of you. 

Augustus. 
(Puzzled.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
How nmch, my boy, how much.'' 

Augustus. 
Well, if you don't mind five — 

Dr. Bellows. 
Five hundred.'' Of course I don't mind. 

Augustus. 

{Nearly swooning.) 

Five hundred.'' „ _ 

Dr. Bellows. 

Are you sure that will be enough.'' 

Augustus. 
Loads, Governor. It will be loads. 

Dr. Bellows. 
{Going L.) 
Step right in here, my boy. I'll write you a check. 

Augustus. 
Am I dreaming.'' {FoUoxcing him.) 

Dr. Bellows. 

Don't you know that you can ask anything of me.'' 
{They both exit L.) 

Mrs. Tobin enters R. followed by Algernon, loho 
has a large gingham kitchen apron tied around him, 
carries a dust pan, whisk broom and dust cloth. 

Mrs. Tobin. 

Now begin right here. There isn't time for a thor- 
ough sweeping, but look at the sand that's been 



78 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

tracked in from the garden. Everything should be 
spick and span before the ceremony. 

Algernon, 
But, my dear madam! Why rush things so.'' 

Mrs. Tobin. 
Now, William, there's no time to talk. Get down 
on your marrow-bones and go to work. Begin in 
that corner. (Points up around the steam bath cor- 

'^ Algernon. 

But I'd like to talk it all out. 

Mrs. Tobin. 
We'll talk it all out when you get this room 
cleaned. Everything must be in order for the wed- 
ding. I'm glad the Doctor's daughter is to be mar- 
ried, for it's plain she is no housekeeper. And who 
is this Mrs. MacEckron, William? She gives herself 

a lot of airs. . 

Algernon. 

I don't know the lady. 

Mrs. Tobin. 

Well, after the ceremony I'm going to tell her 
what I think of her. 

Mrs. Tobin starts up C. and meets Maggie, who 

enters C. from R. 

Mrs. Tobin. 

{Addressing Maggie.) 

I wish you'd keep an Qyc on tlie work here. I've 

got to go and dress that cook down again. She's 

soldiering. {Exits through dining room L. U. 

door.) AT 

^ Maggie. 

{Looking after her.) 

Well, if that old catamaran is going to run tlio 

house, I'm going to get out. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 79 

Algernon. 
(Seeing Maggie, thinks it is Florence, rises and 
tries to make himself presentable by tucking up his 
apron.) 

I beg your pardon. 

Maggie. 
(Bursting into laughter.) 
Well, can you beat this.^ 

Algernon. 

It's the most remarkable test of character that I've 

ever submitted to. ,. 

Maggie. 

This beats the circus. 

Algernon. 

(Approaches her with the dust pan in one hand and 

the zohisk broom in the other.) 

Did you understand that the wedding was to take 

place so soon ? 

Maggie. 

I didn't know it till today .-^ 

Algernon. 
Does this unseemly haste meet with your approval.'' 

Maggie. 
I haven't given it a thought. 

Algernon. 
Do you mean to say you are perfectly indifferent? 

Maggie. 
I am not troubling myself about it at all. Are 

^ ' Algernon. 

Why, It came upon me so suddenly. It seems to 
me that until you and I have drawn nearer to each 
other — that under the circumstances — 



80 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



Maggie. 
Well, the very idea. 

Algernon. 
If the ceremony is set for this evening, 1 should 
like a few hours reflection. 

Maggie. 
Now see here, if you and I are going to live in 
peace in the same house, you've got to talk sense, 
and you're not going to get out of your share of the 

^°^k- Algernon. 

I've always been willing to shoulder responsibility, 
but when the Doctor goes to such extremes — 

Maggie. 
See here, Freshie, you let the Doctor run his own 
shebang. (She exits L. singing some popular love 
song. Algernon stares after her in amazement.) 

Algernon. 
Unfeeling and vulgar. How could my uncle expect 
me to be happy with a girl like that. Oh, my head 
is bursting. 

Mrs. Tobin's voice is heard raging off L. In n 
panic he goes down on the floor and resumes Iiik 
brushing. Florence enters C. from L. 

Florence. 

Oh, William, has Mrs. Tobin set you doing- that? 
And your headache, is it better .f* 

Algernon. 
No, if anything it is worse. If I could only ap- 
pease my hunger. Fi^oj^^^^e. 

{Not knowing that he has had nothing to eat.) 
Are you still hungry.'' I'll get you something im- 
mediately. (She starts.) 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 81 

Algernon. 
{Rising.) 
One moment. I have a presentiment that my stay 
under tliis roof will not be as long as I anticipated. 
{He goes to his easel and luggage, which has been 
placed behind the sofa. He gets out easel and draw- 
ing material and sets them up in front of the sofa L. 
C.) I should like to carry away with me a sketch of 
the face that has looked at me so kindly. 

Florence. 

Oh, but really — ^ 

Algernon. 

I ask it as a great favor, for whenever I shall look 

at it in the time to come, it will bring to mind the 

one ray of sunshine in what seems like the darkest day 

of my life. „ 

'^ l^LORENCE. 

Very well, I don't mind, if you can be quick about 

Algernon. 

{Placing the easel back to audience so that lie is 

facing audience L. C. Florence is down R. C.) 

I see you don't wish Dr. Bellows to know of the 

sitting. „ 

, ° Florence. 

Naturally I do not. He might think that a ser- 
vant — . 

Algernon. 

Quite right. We are still in the days of autoc- 
racy. ( With the charcoal in his hand, he stands 
ready to sketch.) The profile, please. {She turns.) 
Thanks. My head is swimming so that I can hardly 
see what I'm doing. But my imagination will supply 

the real likeness. ,^ 

I^lorence. 

I am so sorry you should have been neglected like 

this. 



82 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Algernon. 
Oh, I'm always ready to make allowances. 

Florence. 
Dr. Bellows is usually very considerate. 

Algernon. 
My hand is trembling. I'll work the rest of this 
up at my leisure. I have the facial outlines. 

Florence. 
Then I'll go and get you some more food. Poor 
man. {Exits into dining room and off L. U. door.) 

Algernon. 

(SketcJmig.) 
No, I'll have to give it up. {Goes to the easy 
chair R. C, throws himself into it exhaustedly.) If 
only Miss Bellows would adopt the manners of her 
maid it wouldn't be hard to care for her. {Closes his 
eyes wearily.) 

Dr. Bellows enters arm in arm ztith Attgustus 
from L. 

Dr. Bellows. 
No, no. There has never been a steam bath that 
approaches this in results. It's going to make the 
name of Bellows a household word. {They are walk- 
ing over toward Algernon.) The name of Bellows 
is going down as one of the benefactors of the hu- 
man race. Dr. Benjamin Bellows, the man who 
steamed the livers of millions of Americans. The man 
who — {his eye lights on Algernon as he and Au- 
gustus stand C.) Now, now, William, what are you 

doing here."^ . 

° Algernon. 

I have just been assisting Mrs. Tobin. She wishes 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 83 

to clean and garnish the house in preparation for the 

wedding tonight. ,^ -^ 

"^ ^ Dr. Bellows. 

Devil take the wedding. (Augustus strolls up 

^^«^^-) Algernon. 

(Eagerly.) 
Do I understand that you are willing to post- 
pone it? 

Dr. Bellows. 

Am l? I'd like to postpone it indefinitely. 

Algernon. 
{Greatly relieved.) 
Then wliy not do so.'' 

Dr. Bellows. 
The lady won't hear of it. 

Algernon. 

As far as I can see she is perfectly incMfFerent. 

Dr. Bellows. 

Well, at any rate your advice isn't important. Get 

to work now. 

Ai,gernon. 

But, my dear sir. 

« 

Dr. Bellows. 

{Looking him oz'er.) 

That's an absurd get-up for a man like you ; isn't 

it, July.^ 

Augustus. 

Absurd, I call it, sir. 

Dr. Bellows. 
William, come here and let's have a look at you. 

Algernon. 
Of course, I apologize. {Holding his coat lapels 
over his collarless neck.^ 



84 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



1 



Dr, Bellows. 

Now that's a nice sort of coat for a man in your 

position. . 

Algernon. 

My position? ^_ _, 

Dr. Bellows. 

Don't repeat everything I say. Take off that coat. 

Algernon. 
I won't take another steam bath. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Indeed you won't. You're not going to get an- 
other steam bath till tomorrow. Give me your coat. 
(Algernon hands it to him.) You'll get a steam 
bath every day. You are a very lucky man, William. 
Do you know what those treatments would cost you 
in a sanatorium.'' Now, Bill, I'm going to give you a 
garment that's more like it. (Dr. Bellows exit'i 

R. C. door.) . 

Algernon. 

{To Augustus.) 
Dr. Bellows has forgotten that we have not been 
introduced, but I inadvertently learned your name. 
I am glad to meet you, Mr. May. My name is Claw- 
hammer. . 

Augustus. 

Oh, that's all right, William. 

Algernon. 
{Affably.) 
Algernon is my Christian name, but Dr. Bellows 

prefers William. . 

^ Augustus. 

Very naturally. You can't reasonably expect to 
be called Algernon. 

Algernon. 
For the life of me I don't see why. 



\ 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 85 

Dr. Bellows enters R. C. with a faded old shabby, 
plaid smoking jacket. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Here, now ; here is something a bit more suitable. 
(Tosses it to Algernon.) Here now, put that on. 

Algernon. 
When I packed my trunk I — 

Dr. Bellows. 
I know your trunk isn't here yet. But we can't 
wait for trunks or anything else. 

Algernon. 
I have a dress suit in my suit case which I can wear 
at the wedding if you insist. 

Dr. Bellows. 

Of course, if there's a wedding, what else would 

you wear.'' Here, get into this coat. (Helps him on 

with it.) . 

Algernon. 

Anything to be accommodating. 

Dr. Bellows. 

(As Algernon goes back to his work.) 

Get busy now. (Goes down L. C. and speaks to 

Augustus.) I don't think the man is quite right in 

his mind. , . 

Augustus. 

I don't see 'ow you put up with 'im. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Ordinarily I wouldn't think of it, but I happen to 
be in a peculiar position. Now, my boy, get back 
to my bath. I'm going to advertise it through the 
mail. I am getting up a very high-class booklet. 
That's where you come in. 



86 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



1 



jjj Augustus. 

Dr. Bellows. 
I know your talent with the brush. {Looks at 
drawing board.) Ah, I see you've been at work al- 
ready. Good, very good. You are a clever artist. 
Been getting your hand in, I suppose. 

Augustus. 
{Quite at a loss.) 
Get my hand in.^* 

Dr. Bellows. 
{Going over to the drazving board and looking at the 
sketch of Florence made by Algernon.) 
Ha, ha, this is good, very good indeed. 

Augustus. 
{Following him.) 
Why, yes, so it is. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Now, my boy, that five hundred I let you have we 
will consider an advance payment for a sketch of me. 
I want it for the first page of my steam bath booklet. 

Augustus. 

{Wholly puzzled, gathering that he has got to make 

good as an artist.) 

Oh, for the five hundred you expect me to draw 

your portrait .'^ .^ „ 

"^ Dr. Bellows. 

Yes. I want to get the circulars out as soon as 

possible. . 

Augustus. 

You wouldn't mind if it is a bit rough. I haven't 

done much of that sort of thing lately. It isn't my 

regular work, you know. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 87 

Dr. Bellows. 
Oh, I know you are only an amateur, but this 
sketch of Florence is very clever. It shows original- 
ity and talent. Now that's what I want — something 
original. {Pulls up chair down R. C.) Now come, 
my boy, get busy. (Augustus, very nervous and in 
desperation turns the easel facing on him, puts a chair 
in front of it, sits back to audience, tears the sheet 
off containing the sketch of Florence and throws it 

one side.) 

Algernon. 

(Rising and coming forward.) 

You will please be good enough to let me have that 

sketch. T^ ^ 

Dr. Bellows. 

Yes, yes, all right, all right. Give him the sketch, 

Augustine, and now run along, William. Go out and 

sweep the path. You make me nervous. 

Algernon. 

{Taking the sketch.) 
I think it's time we had an explanation. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Will you get out.'' I have no time for explanations 
now. (Algernon ewits C. off R.) 

Augustus. 
{Nonplussed and anxious to get out of the situation.) 
Dr. Bellows, don't you think that you'd better take 
that four hundred and ninety of the five hundred. I 
don't really feel that I could do you justice. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Nonsense, nonsense. All this new art is a little bit 
queer. Of course I don't want any futurism. Just 
a nice little charcoal sketch. But something that 
gives the individuality. 



88 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Augustus. 
( Reckless! ?/.) 
All right, sir, here goes. (He looks at Dr. Bel- 
lows and draws the outline of a face as best he can. 
Dr. Bellows feeling rather handsome at the mo- 
ment.) 

Dr. Bellows. 

Rather a strong chin, eh.^^ 

Augustus. 
Magnificent chin, sir. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Jaw pretty firm, too, eh.'' 

Augustus. 
{Putting some little points on the jaw.) 
Iron, sir, iron, I should call it. 

Dr. Bellows. 
The nose indicates originality, I've been told. 

Augustus. 
(Drawing a nose.) 
Very unusual nose, sir. 

Dr. Bellows. 
My nose is strong, if I do say it. 

Augustus. 
(Now throwing himself into the spirit of the thing 
and drawing a fiery nostril.) 
Quite the strongest nose I've ever drawn. 

Dr. Bellows. 
When you cpme to the mouth — 

Augustus. 
I'm coming to the mouth now, sir. (Places his 
crayon ready to draw the mouth.) 



1 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YO U j 89 

Dr. Bellows. 
Flexible, yet firm. Understand, I'm not vain of" 
my mouth Augustus. 

Augustus. 
{Drawing a rather large and heavy mouth.) 
No, sir, I don't consider your mouth your best 
•feature, sir. ^^ „ 

Dr. iJELLOWS. 

You arc quite right, my boy. If I have a feature 
to be thankful for, I suppose, after all, the Bellows 
eye. The Bellows have all had remarkable eyes. 

Augustus. 
Oh, 'ave they, now.'' {Puts the eyes in, the effect 
being anything but harmonious.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
The Bellows eye is remarkable for its penetration, 
its benignity- — of course I am speaking now of the 
expression only, Augustus. 

Augustus. 
{Putting some up strokes on the eye for eyelashes.) 
On a woman, sir, I should call them twin stars. 
{Continues silently draxoing.) 

Florence enters L. U. door with a plate of sand- 
wiches. Neither of tJie two see her. She tip-toes 
down to the table, places the plate on it, goes up C. 
looking for Algernon. Sees him, beckons to him. 
He meets her in the C, she points to the sandwiches 
and exits C. off R. Algernon gives a longing look 
at the food, comes in and resumes dusting up stage. 

Augustus. 
{Adding eyebrows, hair and whiskers.) 
Remarkable growth of 'air you 'ave, sir. 



90 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Dr. Bellows. 
I'm bald on top, but what I have left is fairly de- 
cent. . 

Augustus. 

(^Realizing his mistake.) 
It's the texture I mean, sir, the texture. 

Dk. Bellows. 
How are you getting on.-^ 

Augustus. 
Middlin' well, sir. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Do you know I'm curious to see what you've done. 
{Rises and goes over.) 

Augustus. 

It's only in the rough, sir. It doesn't really do 

you justice. -r^ „ 

'' "^ Dr. Bellows. 

(Adjusting his glasses and looking at the sketch. 
As he looks he becomes speechless with disappoint- 
ment and rage; unable to put his feelings into words 
after looking from the picture to Augustus tzvo or 
three times, he thrusts his hands in his pockets.) 

You — that — me — you call — oh, good Lord ! Five 
hundred. (Unable to formulate his sentences and 
swelling up like a balloon.) This is an outrage. This 
is an outrage ! You wait until I see your uncle. 
Artist, indeed. (Rushes off R.) 

Augustus. 
I'm sorry, sir. I am sorry. (After Dr. Bellows' 
exit.) Queer old party. Terribly exhausting. (He 
and Algernon make a dive for the sandwiches and 
sherry, Augustus reaching them first.) I must say 
this is a very free and easy 'ouse with the eatables 



m 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU ? 91 

jiiid drinkables. 'Ere's your 'ealth, William. (Al- 
gernon groans, goes up the stage and ties his hand- 
kerchief around his head.) 

Algernon. 

Mr. May, if you were not a near and dear friend 

of the family, I should insist on an explanation of 

your conduct. 

•^ Augustus. 

Don't be peevish, Algernon. (Algernon exits 

^' ^'^ Mrs. Tobin. 

(Her voice is heard L. of dining room.) 
Don't answer me back. 

Maggie entering L. U. door through dining room, 
speaking off L. 

Maggie. 
I'm not answering back. 

Mrs. Tobin. 

(Of L.) 
See that you don't. 

Maggie. 
[Coming down into the living room.) 
That woman is driving the whole house crazy. 
(Sees Augustus, beams and tries to attract his atten- 
tion hy coughing.) 

Hm ! 

Augustus. 

(Sees who it is, jumps up with his mouth full.) 

Ah, the young Missus. 

Maggie. 
Are you quite comfortable, sir? 

Augustus. 
Oh, quite, quite. This 'ere America is wonderful. 



92 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Maggie. 
(Flirting zvith her eyes.) 
I hope you're not lonely here, sir. 

Augustus. 
How could I be lonely in such circumstances. Just 
to be where you are — - 

Maggie. 
Oh, Mr. May, you take my breath away. 

Augustus. 

{Amazed.) 

Mr. May.? 

■^ Maggie. 

I don't suppose servants should forget their place, 

Mr. May, but in this case — 

Augustus. 

Doesn't the chap in "Pinafore" say that "love 

levels all ranks".? _, 

Maggie. 

Of course, and why shouldn't it.? 

Augustus. 
To be sure, we're all democrats now. I say, miss, 
if you could meet me 'ere in 'alf an hour, I 'ave some- 
thing I'd like to say to you. 

Algernon. 
She is flirting with him. 

( Watching their flirtation from C. door.) 

Maggie. 

Meet you here in this room.? In half an iiour.? I'll 

be here. (Goes to door R., turns.) Mr. May, take 

this and keep it till I come back. (Throws kiss to him 

and exits.) . 

Augustus. 

(Delightedly.) 

By Jove! 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 93 



Algernon. 
{Indignantly.) 
Before my very eyes, too. 

Augustus. 
{Strolling up C.) 
Ah, this wonderful America. It beats the old coun- 
try, eh William.^ 

{As he passes him and exits C. off R. Dr. Bel- 
lows' voice is heard off R.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
{Off R.) 
No, Florence, that portrait decides me. . He is not 
the man Singleton thinks he is. 

Dr. Bellows enters from R. 

Dr. Bellows. 
I'd like to run away. Hide myself in the wilds of 
Africa. 

Mrs. Tobin's voice raised as she enters L. U. door 

through dining room. At the sound of it Algernon 

slips into the room R. C. and Bellows starts as if to 

run away R. ^^ m 

^ Mrs. Tobin. 

Benjamin! Benjamin! Benjamin! {Catching sight 

of him). Oh, Benny dear, here you are. {He groans 

and stops in his tracks R. xvith his hack to her.) 

Benjamin, dear. This is the first moment I've had 

for a little talk. I've set things going in the house. 

{Putting her arm through his. Reaches around and 

tries to turn his face toward her. He keeps averting 

it.) What's the matter, Benny.'' Is Benny angi"y with 

his Melie.f* Come now, Benny. Who's 'ittle Benny is 

'ou.'' {He groans again.) You don't act one bit as 

your letters said you felt. 



94 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Dr. Bellows. 
I wish those letters were in Jericho. 

Mrs. Tobin. 

But they are not, Benny. They are, every one of 

them, in a safety deposit box at my banker's in Skow- 

hegan. 

Dr. Bellows. 

The devil they are! 

Mrs. Tobin. 

(Kindly but firmly.) 

Oh yes,^I've made it a rule never to destroy a love 

letter. 

Dr. Bellows. 

But why not, Mrs. Tobin .^ 

Mrs. Tobin. 
Why don't you call me Melie? 

Dr. Bellows. 

I couldn't. 

Mrs. Tobin. 

Your letters commence that way. 

Dr. Bellows. 

Never. 

Mrs. Tobin. 

Yes they do. The last three began "My own 

precious Melie." (Dr. Bellows collapses in the large 

chair L. of table.) And in two of the others you 

said — 

Dr. Bellows. 

Don't, don't tell me what I said. 

Mrs. Tobin. 
{Gradually growing harder, louder and faster 
through the follozcing speech as she stands over Dr. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 95 

Bellows, who appears to shrivel under the fire of 

her rc'ords.) 

I don't know why you are acting so cold to me, 

Beniamin. ^^ „ 

Dr. Bellows. 

(Faintly.) 

Am I — am I cold.'' 

Mrs. Tobin. 

You certainly are, Benjamin. 

Dr. Bellows. 
The fact is, when I saw you I had a chill. I think 
we ought to talk the whole thing over, argue it all 

Mrs. Tobin. 
Well, as I've said before, I'm terribly sensitive, 
and I don't like to argue. I'm a woman of few words 
and I can't stand a lot of argufying. If you want 
to act the villain and go back on your word — your 
written word, mind you, all right, go ahead. Go on 
and give me the mitten if you dare; but right here 
let me tell you, Benjamin Bellows, that even though 
I am a poor, weak, sensitive woman, I'll give you the 
doggondest fight in the courts that you ever heard 
of. I didn't come all the way from Skowhegan, 
Maine, with my child to take chances on your marry- 
ing me. Before I left the depot I telephoned the 
Baptist minister to come here at half past eight 
o'clock tonight to marry us, and if you back out 
I'll sue you for every dollar you got in the world. 
So you'd better sing small and listen to reason. One 
thing I will tell you. Florence says she won't marry 
that fellow, but that's all bosh. The quicker she's 
out of the way the better, for the way this house is 
run is a sin and a shame. I've told the cook to leave 
a week from tomorrow, and I'll send that Maggie 



96 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

skiting after the wedding. She's too pretty to have 
in the house. As for that fool Bill, I'll get what 
work I can out of him and tomorrow he goes pack- 
ing. As for that crazy old shebang {pointing to the 
steam hath), it's going to be chopped up for kin- 
dling wood. Anybody that's so dirty that soap and 
water won't get them clean I won't have in the 
house. {He opens his mouth to speak.) Now stop 
arguing with me. I'm too sensitive. I can't stand 
it. Now don't forget that we are to be married this 
evening. You can dress up or not, but we'll be mar- 
ried- just the same. My wedding dress and veil have 
done duty four times. I guess they're good enough 
for this time. As I said before, I'm a woman of few 
words. If you just begin any of your backsliding 
monkey-shines we'll see what damages you'll pay ; 
that's all. {She sails off R., leaving Dr. Bellows 
speechless.) r< 

{His voice is heard outside back.) 
Mo-ther, oh mo-ther. 

Dr. Bellows. 
{With a leap from his chair rushes off L.) 
That pest ! 

Algernon enters R. C, apparently in the last 
stages of exhaustion. 

Algernon. 
My knees are beginning to give way, and dark 
spots keep dancing before my eyes. If I could only 
be quiet and alone for a while. {Goes down to sofa 
and gets cushions.) ^ 

° ^ CtEORGE. 

{Outside.) 
Mo-ther, oh mo-ther. (Algernon with the cush- 
ions, at the sound of this dreaded voice, rushes up to 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 97 

R. corner, throws the cushions down on the floor 
behind the screen, arranges them to hide himself as if 
to lie doxvn for a rest.) 

Algernon. 
I'll be safe here for a few moments. 

Mrs. MacEckron and Dolly enter C. from L. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
Dolly, if you were a mind to, you could think of 
a plan to rescue Dr. Bellows. 

Dolly. 

Rescue him from whom? From Mrs. Tobin or 

yourself.'^ ,, _, ^ 

•^ Mrs. MacEckron. 

Why, Dorothy MacEckron, what a thing to say. 

There's no comparison between that woman's vulgar, 

coarse methods and my innocent artifices. 

Dolly. 
It amounts to the same thing in the end. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
If you'd only try to make the Doctor fond of you. 
If you'd only been a boy. You know how he said 
he'd always wanted a son to dandle on his knee. 

Dolly. 
Even if I had been a boy, mamma, I should not 
have permitted anyone to dandle me. 

Singleton. 
{His voice is heard off back.) 
Where is he.^* Where is Benjamin, the old scout.'' 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
(Startled.) 
Dolly, that voice. 



98 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Dolly. 
It has a familiar cadence. 

Dr. Bellows. 
{Crossing back of C. from L. to R. witli outstretched 
hands.) 
Singleton, my dear old friend! {Sounds of greet- 
ing and slaps on the back.) 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
Simeon Singleton ! If it should be he. 

Dolly. 
You might land him this time, mamma. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
Now, Dolly, do be careful. (Mrs. MacEckron 
straightens Dolly's hair ribbon and prinks a little 
herself, as she goes with Dolly over L. Dolly sits 
on the sofa.) 

As Singleton and Dr. Bellows enter at C. arm in 
arm. Singleton L., Dr. Bellows R. 

Singleton. 
Bless my soul, but it's jolly to see you again. 

Dr. Bellows. 
It's good for sore eyes to see you, Simeon. {See- 
ing Mrs. MacEchron.) I want you to meet my 
charming friend, Mrs. MacEckron. Mrs. MacEck- 
ron, this is my old roommate at college, Simeon Sin- 
gleton, o 
° Singleton. 

{In delighted amazement.) 
Can I believe my eyes? Mrs. MacEckron, my dear, 
dear friend. {Rushes to her L. C, seizes both her 
hands, kissing them effusively one then the other sev- 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 99 

cral times, Dr. Bellows anything but pleased.) 
This is the most delightful surprise of my life. 

Positions. 

Singleton. 

(L. C.) 

Dr. Bellows. Mrs. MacE. 

{Down C.) Dolly. 

Ar nr T^ (Down L.) 

Mrs. MacEckron. ^ ^ 

Here's Dolly, too. (Dolly comes forward to meet 

him.) ^ 

singleton. 

And dear delightful little Dolly, too. (Takes her 

face in his hands and kisses both cheeks.) My, my, 

what a big girl we are getting to be. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

Yes, she grows so fast. You may sit down, Dolly. 
(Dolly, veri^ much bored, sits on the sofa L. again.) 

Dr. Bellows crosses L. 

Singleton. 
But you, dear Mrs. MacEckron, are the same be- 
witching, delightful, tantalizing — 

Dr. Bellows. 

{Pulling at his right sleeve.) 

Simeon, eh — I want to show you my steam bath. 

Singleton. 
Tut, tut, cut out the baths in the presence of la- 
dies. My dear Mrs. MacEckron, I shall never forget 
that summer at Nantucket. It has lived in my mem- 
ory as a beautiful, exquisite — 

Dr. Bellows. 
Simeon ! 



100 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Singleton. 
{Giving him a push away.) 
Won't you sit down, dear lady, and tell nie 
why I've never been able to find a trace of you since 
those wonderful days at Nantucket? {She sits R. of 
table, Singleton leans over her chair tenderly. Dr. 
Bellows consumed with jealousy.) 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
We've been living very quietly down here. The 
country air is good for Dolly. 

Singleton. 
And you are blooming as a rose. Do you remem- 
ber that evening on the piazza of the hotel, with the 
moon beaming — wasn't the moon beaming that 

night.'* -p. -p, 

'^ Dr. Bellows. 

{Pacing up back of them and over L. C. Begins to 

cough.) 

Hm, hm ! „ 

Singleton. 

I remember that you had on a wonderful white 
gown with graceful lines falling down. (Dr. Bel- 
lows coughs again.) What's the matter with you, 
Bellows, can't you keep quiet.'' 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
I quite understand Dr. Bellows' nervousness. 

Dr. Bellows. 
{Taking hope and rushing down, seizing her right 
hand. ) 
Of course you do, dear Mrs. MacEckron. You are 
all sympathy, I know. 

Singleton. 
{On her left, taking her other hand.) 
Ben, old fellow, Mrs. MacEckron and I are near 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 101 

and dear friends. We have a lot to say to one an- 
other that couldn't possibly interest a third person. 

Du. Bellows. 
But, Simeon, I understood you came down here to 
see me. ,, 

SINGLETON . 

So I did, and I was prepared to be bored to death 
with your infernal lectures on your steam bath, when 
lo, the heavens smiled, and instead of your ravings, 
I find this lady and Paradise. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
That's altogether too unkind a speech, Mr. Sin- 
gleton. The Doctor is naturally upset and strained. 
He is going to be married this evening. 

Dr. Bellows. 
(Going R.) 
Please, please don't ! 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

And to such a charming woman, with the dearest 

little son. t-. t^ 

Dr. Bellows. 

This is too cruel of you. 

Singleton. 
(Roaring- with laughter.) 
Well, well, Ben, you are a sly one. A victim to 
Cupid, eh, and I am just in time for the rice throw- 
ing. (Goes R. and seizes Dr. Bellows' hand, shak- 
ing it violently through this speech.) My heartiest, 
sincerest congratulations. And the knot is to be tied 
tonight.'' And what is the bride like.'' 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
ril give you the Doctor's own description. A 
dainty, graceful figure. (Singleton nods and Dr. 



102 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



Bellows groans.) A lovC", sweet voice. (^Repeat 
business.) Limpid eyes, a rosebud mouth. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Don't, don't! 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
Ask him to show you her photograph. He carries 
it in the pocket next to his heart. 

Singleton. 
Ben, you romantic old Romeo. 

At this moment George enters R. unseen by the 
others. Stands spellbound looking at Singleton. 

Singleton. 
I'm all eagerness to see the fair Juliet — and the 
wedding comes off tonight.'' I insist upon standing 
up with you, Benjamin. {At this moment his eyes 
light on George and he is transfixed as if with terror 
and a recognition.) 

George. 
{Rushing up C. and off L., calling.) 
Mother, oh, mo-ther! (Singleton, suddenly 
weak, almost collapses in the chair R. C. after watch- 
ing George off. Dolly jumps up from the sofa and 
runs out after him.) 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
My dear Mr. Singleton, what is the matter? 

Singleton. 
{Faintly, and mopping liis forehead with his hand- 
kerchief.) 
Nothing, nothing, my dear friend — a striking re- 
semblance, that's all. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 103 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
( Going up C. ) 
I am going to run away now, and let the Doctor 
tell you of his impending happiness. I'll see you 
again. I am staying this evening for the wedding. 

Singleton. 
Come right back, won't you. I want to finish the 
talk we began that night at Nantucket in the moon- 
light. {Kisses her hand.) 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

I'll be back in a moment. (Singleton blows 

kisses after her as she exits C. off R. He recovers his 

poise, turns and looks at Dr. Bellows, who is very 

dejected.) o 

•^ ^ Singleton. 

You are a nice looking bridegroom. Your face is 

as long as your arm and you are looking wretched. 

Dr. Bellows. 

I am feeling wretched, Simeon. 

Singleton. 
What's become of that wonderful steam bath of 
yours that was going to rejuvenate the human race.^^ 

Maggie enters R. bringing in a large vase of flow- 
ers which she puts on the table C. 

Singleton. 
(As usual ogling a pretty woman, aside to Dr. 

Bellows. ) 
What a pretty girl? Who is she? 

Positions, 
Maggie. 
Dr. Bellows. (^O 

Singleton. 
(Down R.) 



104 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE A RE YOU? 

Dr. Bellows. 

Maggie? the maid. 

Singleton. 
In that costume? 

Dii. Bellows. 
It's Thursday and she is dressed to go out. 

Singleton. 
I don't know when I've seen a prettier girh 

Dr. Bellows. 
Maggie, you may air the rose room. Mr. Single- 
ton, our guest, will occupy it tonight. 

Maggie. 
(^Enjoying Singleton's admiring glances.) 
Yes, sir. {She still fusses with the flowers.) 

Dr. Bellows. 

I suppose you'd like a drink, Simeon, after your 

journey. ^ 

Singleton. 

Y'ou're a mind reader, Ben. (Dr. Bellows exits 

into the dining room and off L. U. door. Singleton, 

going up to her and speaking very familiarly.) 

Well, my dear, I don't know which is the prettier, you 

or the posies. _ . 

Maggie. 

Oh, now, you don't mean that, sir. 

Singleton. 
If all the Jersey maids are so pretty, I understand 
why my friend Bellows resides in this state. {Plumes 
himself on his speech.) 

Maggie. 
My goodness, how you tal^- sir. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 105 

Singleton. 
My dear, if you don't want appreciation you 
mustn't show your face to a lover of beauty. 

Maggie. 
The first thing I know you will turn my head. 

Singleton. 
(Putting his arm around her waist.) 
That's just what I intend to do. (Puts his right 
hand under her chin.) One, two, three, turn. (He 
kisses her and at this moment — ) 

Dr. Bellows enters L. U. door through dining 
room, carrying glasses and tray and wine bottle. 

Maggie. 
Oh, sir, how can you.^ (Rushes off through dining 
room, nearly upsetting Dr. Bellows.) I was look- 
ing for Mr. May, sir. (Exits L. U. door.) 

Dr. Bellows. 

Look out there, Maggie. (Coming down L. of 

table.) At your time of life, Simeon. You ought to 

be ashamed. „ 

Singleton. 

My time of life.'' What do you mean, my time of 

life.'' You old broken down — my time of life. I'll 

put on the gloves with you tomorrow, and then we'll 

talk about my time of life. I was up in the Cascade 

Garden at the Wiltmore last night, dancing till one 

o'clock. T-. Ti 

Dr. Bellows. 

Go on, go on, keep that sort of thing up and you'll 

end in the hospital inside of a year. (Pouring wine.) 

Florence enters C. from L. 

Florence. 
Fatlier, that terrible man is in the garden. Why 



106 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE AKE YOU7 

don't you tell him that I won't accept him and get 

rid of him? „ „ 

Dr. Jdellows. 

{Going up to her and bringing her down.) 

Hush, my dear, his uncle is here. I'll introduce 

you. Simeon, this is my daughter Florence. 

Singleton. 
(Rushing at her.) 
Is it possible, little Florrie. Allow me. A fatherly 
kiss. (Kisses her on the forehead and takes both of 
her hands, retaining them.) I don't suppose you re- 
member me, my dear. 

Florence. 
Why, I've never seen you before, Air. Singleton. 

Singleton. 
Of course, that's true, you haven't. But I've 
always loved you as an uncle. Just an uncle's kiss. 
(Kisses her again.) What's this, blushing at an 
uncle's kiss.'^ Ah, my nephew is a lucky fellow. I 
envy his good fortune. Now tell me, my dear, what 
do you think of him.'' 

Florence. 
Really, jVIr. Singleton, I'd rather not say. 

Singleton. 
Dear little dove. I dare say it is hard to put it 
into words. „ 

FLORENCE. 

If you'll excuse me, Mr. Singleton, I'd rather my 
father told you about — about your nephew. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Tell him yourself, my dear. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 107 



Florence. 
No, it was you who arranged the whole thing and 
you will have to stand up to it now. (Exits R.) 

Singleton. 
{Seating- himself R. of table.) 
By Jove, then, if I were ten years younger I'd give 
my nephew a battle for your daughter. 

Dr. Bellows. 
{Seating himself L. of table.) 
Well, have a drink and let's talk it over. 

Singleton. 

Well, how are they getting on.'* Was it love at 

first sight .^ Are they billing and cooing.'' {Tosses 

off his drink.) -^ „ 

^•^ Dr. Bellows. 

Oh, I wouldn't say they were billing and cooing 

{Pours drink into his oxvn glass.) 

Singleton. 
Just you wait. It won't take long for two ardent 
young things to get to the lovey, dovey, pidgy, 
widgy stage. {Picks up Dr. Bellows' glass and 
tosses it off in two gulps.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
No, I — I don't think they will ever see the pidgy 
widgy stage. To be perfectly frank, I am disap- 
pointed at your nephew. {At this moment Alger- 
non's head appears above the screen behind which 
he has been resting. He is amazed at Dr. Bellows' 
words and surprised at the sight of his uncle.) 

Singleton. 
Nonsense. You couldn't be disappointed in him. 
He's a trifle slow, but a model young man, for all 
that. 



108 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Dr. Bellows. 
Slow! That fellow.? 

Singleton. 
Yes, and a damned clever chap, too. One of his 
paintings was hung in the Salon in Paris. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Well, I'm no judge of art, but if that fellow is an 
artist, I wish you could see the sketch he made this 
afternoon — a sketch of me, mind you. 

Singleton. 

Oh, well, the man would have to have a decent 

subject. _ _, 

Dr. Bellows. 

Well, leaving the art aside, I don't like his ways 

in money matters. I understood that he was well off. 

Singleton. 

He is. ^ 

Dr. Bellows. 

Then why did he land down here strapped. {Pours 

a drink.) 

Singleton. 

{Taking the glass.) 

He drew a thousand dollars out of the bank before 

he left town yesterday. {Drinks.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
And less than an hour ago he borrowed five hun- 
dred dollars of me. (Algernon gasps with indigna- 
tion. ) ^ 

Singleton. 

The devil he did. 

Dr. Bellows. 

And as for qualifying as a husband, he isn't 
worthy of a nice girl. Why, he makes love to every 
woman he meets. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 109 

Singleton. 
The libertine. (Algernon agitates the screen.) 

Dr. Bellows. 

{Again trying to get a drink for himself, pours it 

out.) 

The minute lie lays eyes on a woman he begins a 

flirtation. „ 

Singleton. 

(Taking the glass.) 

That's the limit. A man that will carry on with 

women isn't fit to associate with them. (Drinks.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
But that's not the worst thing- about him. (Al- 
gernon's horrified face appears again above the 

screen.) ^ 

Singleton. 

Is the worst yet to come.'^ 

Dr. Bellows. 
(This time hanging on to one glass and pouring 
two.) 
Simeon, your nephew drinks like a fish. 

Singleton. 
That's the last straw. (Drinks.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
He got vilely intoxicated at luncheon and isn't so- 
ber yet. (At last drinks.) 

Singleton. 
That's enough. The two-faced young demon. I'll 
teach him a lesson. He'll never get a penny of mA^ 
money and I'll send him about his business in a hurry. 
No, I'll do worse than that. I'll never look upon his 
profligate face again. What a shattering of our 
hopes. I hope your daughter hasn't formed an at- 
tachment for him. 



no WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU ? 

Dr. Bellows. 

To tell you the truth she disliked him the moment 

she saw him. ^^ 

Singleton. 

Go and tell her that I apologize for having sent 

him here. „ ^^ 

Dk. Bellows. 

If I find him I'll send him to you. Get him off on 
the next train or Florence will be in hysterics. (Dr. 
Bellows exits R. Singleton very sadly finishes the 
decanter. Algernon, xoeak and dilapidated, his col- 
lar off, Ms head tied up, and wearing Dr. Bellows' 
old jacket, comes down R. C.) 

Algernon. 

Uncle Simeon. ^ 

Singleton. 

{Springing to his feet.) 

So there you are, you trifler, you debauchee. 

Algernon. 
But you are mistaken, Uncle Simeon. 

Singleton. 

{Shaking his fist at him.) 

Indeed, I am mistaken, sir, in you, in you. Do 

you hear.'' In you ! . 

Algernon 

But it isn't true. You are all wrong. 

Singleton. 
Wrong.'' Why your very appearance is a confir- 
mation. Look at you. Is this the way you present 
yourself.'' You are a nice looking fiance. No, you 
have deceived me. All these years abroad when I 
thought you were studying you have been dissipating 
But I'm done with you. I never want to see your 
besotted face again. Never, sir, never. {Exits R. 
Algernon goes over to the sofa, thoroughly despon- 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? Ill 

dent, and apporently coming down with a nervous 

chill. ) . 

^ Algernon. 

This is too much. I can't stand any more. Ooh, 

how cold I am. 

Florence enters C. from R. 

Florence. 
Oh, here you are. I've been looking everywhere 
for you. Wc haven't had time to get your room 
ready. I am sure you ought to be in bed. You look 
so terribly ill. Algernon. 

{With chattering teeth.) 
Y-e-es, I'm a-f-fi'aid I'm g-o-o-ing to have a 
c-c-chill. Ti 

l^LORENCE. 

Poor fellow, why you have one now. I thought 
tlie sherry would warm you up. 
Algernon. 

You don't understand. If I could only get some- 
thing to eat. „ 

* TLORENCE. 

Do you mean to say that you're still hungry.'* 

Algernon. 
I am st-ta-ta-tarving, and I'm fr-fr-fr-freezing. 

Florence. 
Wait a moment. Here's a traveling rug. {Goes 
inside doorxvay L. and brings out a traveling rug.) 

Algernon. 
{Faintly, as he lies on the sofa.) 
What an angel. It's only the working people, 
after all, who have hearts. 

{The lights go down gradually from now on to 
the end of act, by which time the room is in semi- 
darJcness.) 



112 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Florence. 
{^Returning with rug.) 
There you arc, poor dear man. Put this around 
you and sit quietly here until I come back. I'll bring 
you some food and then I'll show you to your quar- 
ters. You simply must lie down and rest before the 
wedding. {Helps him to wrap the rug around him.) 

Algernon. 
Oh, the wedding ! If you only knew the torment of 
that word. But I understood from something Dr. 
Bellows said that he isn't in favor of the marriage. 

Florence. 
But he's helpless. She insists upon the marriage, 
and even threatens a breach of promise suit. 

Algernon. 
( With a groan.) 
Oh, e-ood Lord ! _ 

° l^LORENCE. 

Why, I actually heard her say that she intended 

to be married at half past eight if she had to drag 

the bridegroom in front of the clergyman by the hair 

of his head. . 

Algernon. 

Criminal! That sort of thing is criminal. 

Florence. 
So you'd better get what rest you can before you 
dress. You'll be needed, of course. 

Algernon. 
If I must, I must. But there is a law in this land. 
That woman had better not go too far. 

Florence. 
Now be very quiet. I think I shall bring you 
some light cake this time. Those sandwiches were 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE AR E YOU? _\\3 

too rich, perliaps. {Exits L. U. door through dining 

room.) . 

Algernon. 

What a sweet girl. And that frightful Miss Bel- 
lows threatens me with a breach of promise. Dr. Bel- 
lows lies about me to my uncle, my uncle casts me off, 
Miss Bellows treats me with the greatest indifference, 
yet she says she's going to marry me willy-nilly. 
But that housekeeper and the Doctor make me assist 
in the work of the servants — oh, I don't understand 
it at all. 

The lights are dotvn so low that the room is quite 
dim. Mrs. Tobin enters from R. 

Mrs. Tobin. 

Lands sakes, how dark it is. 

jNIrs. JMacEckron entering C. Goes down L. near 

sofa. -. -. „ 

JMrs. MacL<ckron. 

I wonder if ^Nlr. Singleton kept his appointment. 

TT ■, Mrs. Tobin. 

Hey.? 

Singleton entering L. passes Mrs. MacEckron 

gets over R. ^ 

Singleton. 

Pst ! Arc you here ? 

Dr. Bellows enters C. from L. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Why doesn't somebody light up.? (He gropes his 
way down.) Mrs. MacEckron, is that you.? (Dr. 
Bellows mistakes Algernon's figure on the sofa for 
Mrs. MacEckron, who is further down near the 
fable. He kneels in front of Algernon's figure.) 
Dearest of women, don't listen to that old libertine, 
Singleton. You know that he is fickle, while I have 



114 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



loved you faithfully through all things. (Mrs. To- 
BiN has dropped into the big chair L. of table. Sin- 
gleton is leaning over the back of it under the im- 
pression that it is Mrs. MacEckron.) 

Singleton. 
Darling, why do we wait.'' Come with me on the 
next train and let me make you Mrs. Simeon Single- 
ton before another sun shines. 

Florence enters L. U. door into the dining room 
with a plate of food and switches up the lights. Out- 
side in the moonlight C. Maggie and Augustus are 
seen embracing. George and Dolly appear in the 
R. doorway in time to catch the tableau. The fol- 
lowing lines are all spoken together. 

Florence. 
My goodness, what are you doing, father.'' 

Mrs. Tobin. 
{Leaping up and throwing her arms around Sin- 
gleton, who is horrified at his mistake.) 
Simeon, at last. 



Good Lord! 
Oh, mo-ther. 



George. 
(At R. door.) 
Dolly. 



Singleton. 
George. 

Positions. 
Maggie. 
Augustus. 
(Up C.) 

Mrs. MacE. 
(L. of table.) 



Florence. 
(Up L.) 



Mrs. 



Tobin. 
Singleton. 
(L. C.) 



Algernon. 
Dr. Bellows. 
(Down L.) 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 115 

Dr. Bellows. 
(Falling back on his feet in his kneeling position 
as he looks at Algernon.) 
Bless my soul, what are you doing.'' 

Dolly. 
Extraordinary goings on, don't you think.'' 

Curtain. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



The Third Act. 

Scene : The same as in previous acts. 

Time : Eight o'' clock in the evening of the same day. 

Dolly is discovered .up C. beckoning to George to 
enter. Lights are fidl up in electroliers or chande- 
lier, or standard lamps, whichever is used. 

Dolly. 
Georgie, come in here a moment, I want to speak to 
you. 

George enters C. and looks about. 

George. 
Where's everybody.'' 

Dolly. 
Everyone is keeping out of sight. The situation 
is very painful for all concerned. 

George. 
Mother doesn't mind it. 

Dolly. 
Georgie, your mother is the most remarkably 
poised woman that I've ever met in my life. 

George. 
Well, she's doggone set in her ways if that's what 
you mean. 

Dolly. 

What I'd like to know is where she became ac- 
quainted with Mr. Singleton. 

117 



118 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



George. 

Why, he was a summer boarder on our farm one 

summer. 

Dolly. 

Oh, that's it. 

George. 

He got carrying on with one of the young women 
from Boston that boarded with us. He wrote 
her a lot of love letters. Ma is pretty cute, she is. 
Somehow she got hold of the letters and as there 
wasn't any name used, just "dearest, and darling, 
and angel," and all that mush, ma said any jury 
that she took him before would think they were writ- 
ten to her if she swore to it. 

Dolly. 
Merciful powers ! Didn't I tell you your mother 
was a remarkable woman, Georgie.'' 

George. 
Well, she's had a whole lot of experience. Can't 
any city women teach her anything about men. 

Dolly, 
If my mother had her generalsliip she'd have been 
married again long ago, and I could have done my 
hair up, let down my dresses and gone to college. 

George. 
I don't know what gets into them after they are 
widows. They act like all possessed. 

Dolly. 
I'm getting desperate, Georgie. I don't know 
why we should let them do all the spooning. Come 
over here till I tell you something that I've been 
thinking of. 



WHOSE LITTLE B RIDE ARE YOU? UQ 

Mrs. Tobin, 
{She is heard calling outside R.) 
\V^illiam! William! 

George. 
Come on, let's beat it out to the summer house. 
(They rush out C. off L.) 

Mrs. Tobin enters H. dressed in her old-fashioned 

bridal outfit. 

Mrs. Tobin. 

William! Where are you, William? (Algernon 
appears from behind the screen wrapped in the 
traveling rug, his head still done up.) So that's 
where you've disappeared to. You wait till the Doc- 
tor talks to you. You never appeared for dinner at 
all. And look at you. You are a nice, looking ob- 
ject, aren't you? 

Algernon. 

I apologize, but I was feeling so wretched. {His 

voice dies away as with a horror-stricken look he 

points to the orange blossoms on her head.) Good 

heavens! It isn't possible that j^ou are to be the 

bride. 

Mrs. Tobin. 

Well, it just is possible, and you'd better get 

ready. {She begiris putting the chairs, etc., in their 

places.) 

Algernon. 

{Following her. Goes over to head of sofa and gets 

suit case.) 

But, madam, that wasn't what I understood. Are 

you sure this is Dr. Bellows' intentions? 

Mrs. Tobin. 
You are wasting a lot of time talking when there 
isn't a moment to spare. 



120 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Algernon. 
But what I am asking is, are you, madam, expect- 
ing to enter the holy state of wedlock tonight? 

Mrs. Tobin. 
Well, now what do you think I got on this rig 
for? All you've got to do is to get dressed and be 
ready to do your part. 

Algernon. 
{Wringi/ng his hands.) 
But this is certainly out of all reason. You can't 
expect me to participate. 

Mrs, Tobin. 
Now what you've got to do is to get yourself de- 
cently dressed. You will participate or the Doctor 
and I will know the reason why. {Backing him up 
through the door R. C.) 

Algernon. 
But my dear madam — 

Mrs. Tobin. 
Go in there and get dressed and I'll see if I can 
find the Doctor. 

Algernon. 
Very well, madam, I am willing, if I have the 
strength to change my clothes. But remember this, 
you may lead a horse to water, you cannot make him 
drink. (Exits through door R. C.) 

Mrs. Tobin. 
Impertinent, useless, idle fellow. Serves Benja- 
min right for trying to put on airs with a butler. 
And the way the help talks back in this house is a 
sin and a shame. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 121 

Florence and Mrs. MacEckron enter together 
from R. 

Florence. 
The situation would be amusing if it were not so 

P^"^ " ■ Mrs. Tobin. 

Where is your father, Florence.'' 

Florence. 
I don't know, I'm sure. Do you, Mrs. MacEckron? 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
How should I know.f* 

Mrs. Tobin. 
I told your father, Florence, that I wanted a pri- 
vate wedding. Some people couldn't take the hint 
when it is handed to them in black and white. 
(Marches off L.) „ 

JbLOBENCE. 

Don't pay any attention to her. I couldn't bear 
to be left here alone. You will stay, won't you.^ 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
It's very embarrassing for me, especially since that 
scene here before dinner. 

Florence. 
Mr. Singleton says he thought Mrs. Tobin was 
you when he met her in the dark. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
Nonsense, I'll never believe that. Of course I 
know he's a dreadful flirt, but even Singleton would 
have been a great improvement on MacEckron as a 
name. „ 

J^ LORENCE. 

I think Mr. Singleton is an old reprobate, and 
his nephew, Mr. May, is a chip of the old block. As 



122 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

for that dreadful Mrs. Tobin, I don't see why father 
doesn't send her packing back to Skowhegan. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
I pity you, my dear, wlien that woman holds the 
reins here. 

1^ LORENCE. 

I'm so desperate that i£ Mr. May had -been half 
way presentable I should have een tempted to ac- 
cept him, just to get away from home. 

Singleton enters from L., advances effusively to 

C. to greet them. 

Singleton. 

Ah, here you are. Where have you been hiding.'' 

I've been looking everywhere to explain to you. 

Florence. 
{Frigidly marching past' him and up through the 
dining room.) 
You will excuse me. Your actions explain them- 
selves. (Exits L. U. door.) 

Singleton. 
But my dear Mre. MacEckron. Certainly you 
are not so foolish as to think that I could possibly — 
{holding out his hands). 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

{Sailing past him to L.) 

I am staying to the wedding out of regard for 

Florence and the Doctor. I don't see how you and I 

can have anything to say to each other. {Crossing 

to L.) 

Dr. Bellows entering L. at the same moment al- 
most collides with Mrs. MacEckron. He grabs her 
hand. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 123 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

Di'. Bellows, I want to have just a word with you 
while there is time. 

Dr. Bellows. 

Dearest of women, I can never tell you what I have 
endured these last few hours. The poet says bless- 
ings brighten as they take their flight. (^Putting her 
arm through his, coming into the C. of the room, 
pairing no attention to Singleton, who stands up 
stage watching them jealously.) When I realize the 
happiness that has been mine in your friendship, 
flear Mrs. MacEckron, I stand aghast at the fool- 
isli whim which even for a brief time diverted 
my thoughts from the dearest little woman in the 
world. (Looking down into her eyes.) 

j\Irs. MacEckron. 
(Returning his gaze.) 
Oh, Doctoi-, do you really mean all that.? 

Dr. Bellows. 
Can you doubt me? Can you doubt yourself .'* And 
your power over a heart that has sometimes wavered, 
but in the end beats true to the sweetest of her sex. 
(Carries her hand to his lips.) 

Singleton. 
( Who has come down C. and is pulling Dr. Bel- 
lows' sleeve.) 
Ben, look here, Ben — 

Dr. Bellows. 

What's the matter with you, Simeon.'' Can't you 

see I'm busy.'' ^ 

Singleton. 

But look here, Ben, this won't do. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Go away, can't you.'' I am engaged. 



124 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Singleton. 

That's just the point. You are engaged to Mrs. 

Tobin. 

Dr. Bellows. 

Oh, come now. After seeing you making love to 
her.f* I don't see how you have the audacity to men- 
tion Mrs. Tobin's name to me. Do you, Mrs. Mac- 

Eckron ? 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

Well, I must say, if appearances are anything, Mr. 

Singleton is a very powerful rival of yours, Doctor. 

Singleton. 

(Running around to the R. of Mrs. MacEckron.) 

My dearest lady. If you would only j)ermit mc to 

explain. 

Dr. Bellows. 

(Taking lier over R.) 
Now, Simeon, there's nothing to explain. Every- 
thing was explained in this room two hours ago. 

Singleton. 
(Tagging after them.) 
Now, Ben, don't be an ass. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Simeon, I must ask you to remember that you are 
in the presence of a lady. 

Singleton. 
(Completely losing his temper.) 
Why, you old fool — 

Dr. Bellows. 
I shall protect this lady's ears from any further 
profanity and abusive language. This is my house 
and she is under my protection. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 125 

Singleton. 
(Shouting sarcastically.) 
Ha ha, that's good. That's good. What would 
3'^our Amelia say to that, I wonder. 

Dr. Bellows. 
My Amelia.'' Ha ha, that is good. Your Amelia, 
you'd better say. „ 

SINGLETON. 

Mine ! That's ridiculous. Just because of that mis- 
take this afternoon — 

Dr. Bellows. 
Mrs. MacEckron, you saw his rapturous embraces, 
you heard his lavish endearments. 

Singleton. 
Rapturous fiddlesticks. That was a mistake. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Amelia didn't appear to think it was a mistake. 

Singleton. 

( Violently/. ) 

Amelia be — _^ „ 

Dr. Bellows. 

(Quickli^.) 

Simeon ! , , t. r t-> 

Mrs. MACJbiCKRON. 

I really think, Mr. Singleton, that you are forget- 
ting yourself. I shall leave you to settle your quar- 
rel alone. (Exit C. off L.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
There now, you've upset everything again. I had 
something very particular to say to her. 

Singleton. 
You're a nice bridegroom. Here you are, standing 
on the brink of matrimony, and you have the nerve 



126 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

to actually flirt with a lady toward whom I have the 
most serious intentions. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Serious intentions.'' You serious.^ That's really 
too good. {Laughs derisively.) 

Singleton. 
Laugh away, laugh away ! Amelia will make you 
laugh on the other side of your mouth. 

Dr. Bellows. 
I resign all claim to Amelia in your favor. 

Singleton. 

No you don't. You can't do that. 

Dr. Bellows. 

Yes I can. Everyone In the house saw her in your 

arms. o 

Singleton. 

But I tell you it was the wrong woman. 

Dr. Bellows. 

She seemed to know who you were, all right. Called 

you Simeon, and then Simmle. No woman would dare 

call a man Simmle unless there was an understanding 

between them. „ 

Singleton. 

Look here, Ben, you know I'm a man of taste. Do 
you think I could ever fall for a woman like Amelia 
'I'^bin.? jy^ Bellows. 

{As they both stand together down C.) 

I don't know anything about your taste. All I 
say is, take her with my blessing. 

Mrs. Tobin enters L. U. through the dining room, 

sees them, comes down C. behind them. They do not 

hear her. ^^ 

Singleton. 

No, old man, I'm not the man to interfere with 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 127 



your happiness. Take her and may you live long 

and happy. -^ ^ 

^^'^ Dr. Bellows. 

No, Sim, I want you to have her. I'm glad to step 

out of the way. ,, .„ 

•^ Mrs. Tobin. 

{Slipping an arm through each of tJieirs as she 
separates them. Both men silent in their surprise and 
embarrassment . ) 

Are you two naughty boys quarreling about me.'* 

Why, Benny, I'm surprised at you. And you, too, 

Simmie. 

Singleton. 

(Trying to get away.) 

Ben was just saying he wanted to see you alone 

before the ceremony. 

Mrs. Tobin. 

{Pulling him back to her side.) 
Just wait a minute, Simmie. 

Dr. Bellows. 
No, no, it was Singleton here said he wanted a 
word with you privately. {Trying to move axvay L.) 

Mrs. Tobin. 
{Pulling him back.) 
Now you two bad boys mustn't make me cross. 
You know how sensitive I am, and you shouldn't up- 
set me in a crisis like this. 

Singleton. 
That's right, Ben, she's nervous. I'll leave her to 
your tender care. {Tries to move off again.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
No, no. I can see, Simmie, that she's longing for 
a private understanding with you. {Tries to move 



128 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

ojf. She draws them both to her again, her voice 
hardening.) ^^^^ ^^^^^ 

Just you keep quiet, both of you. Benjamin, you 
asked me to marry you and it is down in black and 
white in your letters. Those letters are safe in Skow- 
hegan, Maine, so unless I change my mind before the 
minister comes I am going to be Mrs. Bellows, just 
make up your mind to that. 

Singleton. 
(^Delighted.) 
There, Ben, old boy, I knew she was faithful and 
true to you. Take my blessing, both of you. And 
now if you'll excuse me — (starts to go R.). 

Mrs. Tobin. 
{Holding on to him.) 
Wait a minute. I said if I don't change my mind. 
I've got some letters from you, too, in Skowhegan, 
and they'd make wonderful reading in court. I'd 
hate to sue either of you for breach of promise, but 
I am a lone widow and I've got my child to provide 
for. I have cut my eye teeth on four husbands. So 
I know something about men. I haven't got an^' 
false pride and I'd just as soon kick up a rumpus in 
the newspapers as not. I don't wish to threaten any- 
body, but the letters you two old codgers have writ- 
ten would make mighty lively reading in the New- 
York papers. Now if you will just keep your minds 
on that and put on your Sunday-go-to-meetin' 
clothes, we can have a quiet but happy wedding this 
evening. You know your duty now, march! (Dr. 
Bellows in quiet desperation exits through door R. 
C. Singleton goes off L. She xvatches them off, 
turns and folds her arms in a satisfied manner.) It's 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 129 

a shame I can't marry both of them. I wish I knew 
which was the better off. Benjamin is steadier than 
Simeon, so I guess I'll let matters stand as they are. 
(A hig row is heard up R. Voices quarreling.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
What the devil do you mean by coming in here.^* 
Get out, get out, get out of my room. 

The door at R. C. opens suddenly and Alger- 
non enters hastily as though he had been shoved out. 
He has on full dress trousers and shirt, suspenders 
hanging down his hack, no collar or tie. Towel 
tucked in his neck as though about to shave. His 
hair is disordered. In his arms he carries his open 
suit case containing soap, vest, ties, collars, cuffs, 
pajamas, comb, brush, hand mirror, everything in 
disorder, and the garments hanging half out of the 
suit case. One-half of his face is lathered, the other 

half shaved. . 

Algernon. 

(Going L. C.) 

This is an outrage, the crowning outrage. 

Mrs. Tobin. 
My land, William, what in the world are you try- 
ing to do.? . 

Algernon. 

That man should be confined in an asylum. I have 
never been so mistreated in my life. 

Mrs. Tobin. 
You just finish dressing and be quick about it. I'm 
going to hurry this thing through. 

Algernon. 
Well, don't expect me to fulfill my part of the 
bargain. 



130 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Mrs. Tobin. 
I don't want any back talk. What do you mean 
standing there in that condition. Go into the pantry 
and finish shaving. The idea! 

Algernon. 
Very good. Just let me get shaved and — 

Mrs. Tobin. 
(Clapping her hands at him.) 
Go on with you. (He runs out L.) The idea. 
We get better help than that in Skowhegan, Maine. 

George. 
(Outside.) 
Mo-ther, oh, mo-ther! 

Mrs. Tobin. 
(Calling out.) 
Here I am, darling. 

George and Dolly appear at C. door, Dolly 
whispering to him and indicating that he is to follow 
her instructions and go in to his mother. 

George. 

(To Dolly.) 

All right, I will. (Dolly disappears off R.) 

Mrs. Tobin. 
What is it, dearie.'' 

George. 
(Coming down to her C.) 
I want to tell you something, ma. 

Mrs. Tobin. 

Well, well, what is it.'' 

George. 
You know Dolly, that old little girl. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 131 



Mrs. Tobin. 
Well, what about her? 

George. 
Well, she just told me something. 

Mrs. Tobin. 

Well, for goodness sake, what is it.^* 

George. 
Why she told me that her mother just found out 
that Dr. Bellows had lost all his money. 

Mrs. Tobin. 
(^Taking the shock with a gasp.) 
No ! Georgie Tobin, is that the truth ? 

George. 
Yes, sir, she says Dr. "Bellows has spent all he's got 
on that old invention of his. 

Mrs. Tobin. 
That steam bath? 

George. 
Yes. Dolly says that he's ruined himself over it. 
I believe she's right. You better look out, ma. He'll 
get your money, too. 

Mrs. Tobin. 

For the land sake. And here I was ready to take 

the plunge. Georgie, it's a good thing you found 

this out. „ 

George. 

Dolly says it's because he's broke that he's crazy 

to get Florence married to Mr. Singleton's nephew. 

Mrs. Tobin. 
Of course. Simeon Singleton is a rich man. That's 
why that Mrs. Mac — what's-her-name is trying to 
get him on her hook. Now look here, Georgie, you 



132 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



just keep jour eje on ma, and you'll see her come out 
at the big end of the horn. Don't say a word to the 
Doctor. „ 

CtEORGE. 

All right, I won't. 

Mrs. Tobin. 
Don't say anything to anybody, but I'll just tell 
you, Georgie, the Tobins are going to come out on 
top. (Exits R. Dolly peeks around C. door from R. 
watching her off.) _,^ 

Georgie, did you tell licr what 1 told you to.? 

George. 

Sure I did. -r^ 

Dolly. 

And did she believe it.? 

George. 
Well, I should say so. Isn't it true? 

Dolly. 

No, Georgie. That is what is popularly known as 
a whopper. _ 

CtEORGE. 

You mean a lie.? _ 

Dolly. 

Yes. Now don't look so frightened, Georgie. 
Your mother gets away with an awful lot of prevari- 
cation, and so does mine, too. Everything is getting 
in an awful mess with our family affairs and it is up 
to us to straighten them out. 

George. 
Yes, but I hate lies? Ma tells 'em, but I don't. 

Dolly. 
{Patting his arm.) 
You are a very unusual person, Georgie, but you 
have no talent for generalship. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 133 

George. 
Well, Gee Whizz, you have. 

Dolly. 
I know it. I have to have. I'm going to get my 
mother married and off my hands this summer or in 
desperation I'll run away with some one and get mar- 
ried myself. I will be emancipated. 

George. 
Say, look here, Dolly, Do you mean that about 
getting married yourself.'' 

Dolly. 
Well, of course I was speaking rhetorically. 

George. 
You know, I'd like to keep company with you. I 
could learn a whole lot from you. 

Dolly. 
Yes, your education has been of the most element- 
ary character. It would be interesting to take you 

in hand. ^ 

George. 

Well, then, come on, take me. 

Dolly. 

{Looking him over.) 

A little sophistication and polish and you wouldn't 

be a bad proposition. Come out in the summer house* 

and tell me about those farms of yours. A country 

estate appeals to me. 

{As they go out C. door.) 

George. 
I don't know anything about country estates, but 
when it comes to farming I'm some boy, Dolly. 
{They exit C off L.) 



134 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Singleton. 

(Noise of roiv off L. He is heard shouting angrily.) 

No, sir, get out of my room. I told you I washed 

my hands of you. . 

Algernon. 

But Uncle Simeon, let me finish shaving. 

Singleton. 
{Outside.) 
Get out. (Noise of door slamming and his voice is 
shut off.) 

Algernon with his disordered suit case still in his 
arms, the towel in his neck and a small patch of lather 
left on one side of his chin, enters L. 

Algernon. 
If I can only get dressed and to a restaurant, I'll 
take the first train out of here, -and Dr. Bellows, my 
uncle and this whole household can go straight to — - 

Dr. Bellows has opened the door R. C. and 
throws a pair of shoes out at Algernon. 

Dr. Bellows. 
William, clean those. (Closes the door.) 

Algernon. 

(Putting down his suit case, picking up the shoes, 

going up to the door R. C. and knocking.) 

Dr. Bellows. (Knocks again.) Dr. Bellows. (Dk. 

Bellows opens the door angrily. Putting on white 

tie, in dress trousers and shirt.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
Look here, what do you want? 

Algernon. 
Here are your shoes. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 135 

Dr. Bellows. 

(Roaring.) 

What.? 

Algernon. 

I said, here are your shoes. 

Dr. Bellows. 

You haven't got them polished already. 

Algernon. 

Do you mean to say that you expect me to polish 

your shoes? t>, -t. 

Dr. Bellows. 

Well, did you think I expected you to eat them.? 

(Bangs the door shut. Algernon, confused, starts 

doian stage zmth them, then, in a determined manner, 

goes back to the door. Knocks.) 

Algernon. 
Dr. Bellows, just a moment, please. 

Dr. Bellows. 
(From within.) 
Get away from that door. 

Augustus enters from L. 

Augustus. 
Hello, that footman is badly trained, looks untidy. 
They don't know 'ow to train the servants in America. 

Algernon. 
Mr. May, you'll have to pardon my appearance. 
I am going through the most frightful experience of 
my life. (Remembers the shoes in his hand.) These 
are Dr. Bellows' shoes. 

Augustus. 
Well, what of it, old chap? 

Algernon. 
I don't understand the Doctor at all. 



13 6 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Augustus. 

There's just your difficulty, William. You don't 

seem to understand anything. I shall 'ave to take 

you in 'and. . 

"^ Algernon. 

I never was treated so in my life. I haven't even 

been shown to my room yet. 

Augustus. 
I can't complain. A nicer room I never 'ad ; large 
double bed, bath adjoining, oriental rugs — oh this 
'ere America is wonderful. 

Florence enters L. U. door through dining room. 

Florence. 
William. Just a moment, William. 

Algernon. 
I'm coming. (To Augustus.) There is the only 
human being in the house. (Goes up into dining 
room. They talk in an undertone, going off L. U. 

door.) . 

' Augustus. 

William is a bit off 'is 'ead. I shall ask the Gov- 
ernor, I think, for another 'ousemaid. These 'ere 
American footmen are no good. 

Dr. Bellows enters from room R. C, fully dressed 
in evening clothes, except for coat, brushing his hair 
with military brushes. 

Dr. Bellows. 

William, William ! Oh, there you are, Augustus. 

Well, I might as well have it out with you first as 

last. 

Augustus. 

'Ave it out with me.'' 

Dr. Bellows. 
Yes, it's a very unpleasant duty^ I have to perform. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 137 



but the sooner it's over the better. The fact is, Au- 
gustus, you won't do at all. 

Augustus. 

Won't do.? T^ T> 

Dr. Bellows. 

That's what I said. You won't do at all. 

Augustus. 
But, sir, I 'aven't 'ad a chance yet. You got the 
letter explaining my capabilities. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Yes, I did, but you are not at all the man the let- 
ter said you were. . 

'' Augustus. 

{Distressed.) 
But in what way.^* 

Dr. Bellows. 
I don't like your habits. 

Augustus. 

My 'abits? ^^ -d 

•^ Dr. Bellows. 

No, and neither does my daughter. She positively 
refuses to marry you. 

Augustus. 
{Astounded.) 

Your daughter — refuses — well, sir, I'm sure the 
very idea of marrying your daughter makes me ver}' 
proud, and it's most democratic of you to entertain 
it. I slx)uld never 'ave thought of such a thing. All 
the same the young lady's been making eyes at me 
ever since I've been down 'ere. 

Dr. Bellows. 
That's your conceit. She can't bear the sight of 
you and says she wouldn't marry you if you were the 
last man on earth. 



138 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



Augustus. 
(His pride thoroughly aroused, he flicks a speck of 
dust off his coat with a superior air.) 
Oh, very well. I don't think I should like it 'era 
anyhow, and as for your daughter's opinion, it really 
doesn't matter. j^^ Bellows. 
(Furiously.) 
Doesn't matter? Augustus 

No, sir. And I might as well make a little confes- 
sion to you, sir. j)^ Bellows. 
A confession. Augustus. 

Your daughter is a very nice gel, but when it comes 
to love, I've fallen 'ead over 'eels in love with your 
little parlor maid. 

Algernon re-entering the dining room from L. U. 
door in time to hear this last remark. 

Algernon. 
He in love with her, too. 

Dr. Bellows. 
This is an insult. Augustus. 

If it is agreeable to you to 'ave a married man 
in this position I'm willing to take 'er for a wife to- 
morrow. I think this will give you great satisfac- 
tion, sir. Algernon. 
Horror! j^^^ Bellows. 
How dare you, sir ! How dare you ! You come down 
here to marry my daughter, and you insult her by 
falling in love with the maid. 

Algernon. 
(Now thoroughly at sea.) 
"Come down to marry his daughter." 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 139 



Augustus. 
But my intentions are perfectly honorable, sir. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Danni your intentions. Get out of my house. 

Augustus. 
(Retreating up center near stand L. C, on xvhich 
is Algernon's hat, which Augustus mistakes for his 
own and picks up.) I intend to lead 'er to the halter, 

^^^- Dr. Bellows. 

(WiMy.) 

Yon won't lead her anywhere. . Leave my house 

this instant. . 

Augustus. 

I 'ad my suspicions that you was crazy, and now 

I am sure of it. (Exits C. off R.) , 

Dr. Bellows. 
Get out. Get out. (Exits R. C.) 

Algernon. 
(Quite unconscious that he still has a shoe in each 
hand. ) 
This is the most amazing situation. Dr. Bellows 
has been playing a double game, encouraging me 
and with another suitor for his daughter's hand on 
the ground. 

Maggie entering C. from L. 

Maggie. 
There he goes, that lovely Mr. May, and he never 
told me good-bye. 

Algernon. 
You seem agitated. Miss — 

Maggie. 
Well, I should say I am. 



140 WHO SE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Algernon. 
May I speak to you for a moment? 

Maggie. 
Indeed you can't. I've got too much on my mind. 

Dr. Bellows re-enters R. C. 

Maggie. 

Dr. Bellows may I speak to you for a moment.' 

(Algernon goes back into the dining room trying 

to think what to do.) 

Dr. Bellows. 

Yes, yes, yes; what is it.^ Be quick about it, I'm 

nearly out of my mind. 

Maggie. 

I want to tell you something. Doctor — something 

has happened today. I want to make a confession 

to you. ^ _, 

Dr. Bellows. 

What you with a confession. Well, out with it. 

Maggie. 

(Very sentimentally.) 

You see it's this way. I've fallen in love, and I 

think I ought to tell you. 

Dr. Bellows. 

It's none of my business if you've fallen in love. 

Maggie. 

Oh, but it is in this case, sir. Because the man I'm 

in love with is your son-in-law that is to be. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Now, I'd like to know what's the matter with you. 
W^hat's taking hold of everybody. My maid in love 
with my son-in-law. You ought to be sent away. 

Maggie. 
That's just what I mean, sir. I couldn't be happy 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 141 

here. Unrequited love is a terrible thing, and if he 
marries Miss Florence — 

Dr. Bellows, 

Pack your things and go. How dare you discuss 
such things as my daughter's private affairs. I'll 
close the house. I'll sell off the furniture, live in the 
garage and eat at the cafeteria. 
Maggie. 

I'm just as anxious to go as you are to have me, 
believe me. (Exits L.) 

Dr. Bellows. 

What is the world coming to.'* And there is Ame- 
lia. (Wilting.) I'd run away if I was sure she 
wouldn't put it in the papers and get* the police after 
me. 

Algernon comes down from the dining room. 
Florence re-enters L. U. door into dining room and 
lingers in the background listening. 

Algernon. 
Dr. Bellows, it's time that you and I came to an 
understanding. -^^ Bellows. 
Now what are you driveling about .f^ 

Algernon. 
I have just heard things said that make me feel — 

Dr. Bellows. 
Now what the devil does it matter what you feel. 
You forget yourself, William. 

Algernon. 
But I see that a great mistake has been made and 
I wish to rectify it. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Never mind rectifying. Shut up and finish my 
shoes. 



142 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



Algernon. 
(Nozc losing his oxen temper and getting into a tott- 
ering rage.) 
It's a very long worm that has no turning, Dr. 
Bellows, but you have gone too far. You have out- 
raged every instinct of my manhood, you have humil- 
iated me before every one in this house, you have lied 
about me to my uncle, you have permitted me to be 
made the laughing stock of your guests, you have 
imposed the most menial services upon me, and you 
haven't given me one morsel of food, nor shown me 
the commonest courtesy since I entered your door ; 
and as for these, take them. (Fires the shoes at Dr. 
Bellows. Florence screams and runs down to 

^*^-) Florence. 

Oh, William ! 

Singleton entering from L. in full dress. 

Singleton. 

What's the row.? 

Dr. Bellows. 

You ought to hear this fellow. 
Algernon. 

Well, he will hear me. You are all going to hear 
me before I leave this house. Your injustice and 
cruelty to me I shall remember to my dying day. 
As for your old college friend. Dr. Bellows, I don't 
wish him ever to address me again. As for his daugh- 
ter, I refuse to discuss her. There is just one human 
being that I shall remember with pleasure when I 
leave this house, and that is the kind little maid who 
has shown herself to be not only an angel of mercy, 
but a lady. I have the honor to wish you all a very 
good evening. (Grabs up Augustus' soft hat from, 
stand R. of C. and rushes C. off R.) 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 143 

Florence. 
(Rushing to her father down R. C.) 
Father, how can you treat that poor fellow so? 
What has he done? 

Dr. Bellows. 
What has he done? He's done nothing. I neve?- 
saw such a worthless fellow in my life. 

Singleton. 
My dear, this is all my fault. I blame myself for 
evervthinfif. „ 

-' ^ )< LORENCE. 

Oh, you had nothing to do with it. Father, I want 
to make a confession to you. 

Dr. Bellows. 

( Wincing. ) 
Good Lord ! Another confession ? 

Florence. 

Yes. I never believed in love at first sight until 

now, but I know what I feel. I know my own heart, 

and father, I'm — I'm in love. 

Dr. Bellows. 

With whom? 

Singleton. 

Not my nephew, surely? 

Florence. 

No. I suppose I should be ashamed to confess it, 
but I'm not. I have fallen in love with the butler. 
{Both men exclaim.) I couldn't help it. No one has 
understood him but me. He is so refined, so intellec- 
tual, for a man in his position. So noble, so patient, 
so — so everything. 

Dr. Bellows. 

Oh, tliis is the end of everything. I am ashamed 
of you. If you were a little younger, miss, I'd 



144 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

lock you in your room and keep you on bread and 
water for a week. Don't tell me anything more. 
This blow is the hardest of all. {Drops into a chair 
R. C, and Florence weeping in her handkerchief, 
goes off R.) This is the straw that is going to break 
the camel's back. „ 

SINGLETON. 

Bear up, Ben. I must say it is a bit of a shocic to 
me, too. . I would never think it of a refined and 
charming girl like Florence. I must confess — 

Dr. Bellows. 
[Jumping to his feet.) 
No, no, don't you confess. I don't think I can 
stand another confession. 

Mrs. Tobin. 
(Outside R.) 
Where's your father, Florence.? 

Dr. Bellows and Singleton each starts to tip- 
toe stealthily. Dr. Bellows to his room R. C, Sin- 
gleton off L. and exit. Mrs. Tobin enters R. fol- 
lowed 1)21 George. _ _ ,„ 

^ Mrs. Tobin. 

Now, Georgie, stop your teasing. You mustn't 
think of getting married for years yet. 

George. 
I've got my nerve up, Ma. You tried to put it 
over on me, telling me I'm only eighteen, just to keep 
me out of my part of the property. I'll be twenty- 
one next month, and that's of age. 

Mrs. Tobin. 
Now Georgie, mother knows best what's good for 
her boy. You'd have been making a fool of yourself 
over some girl if you'd known how old you were. 
You leave everything to me. 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 145 

George. 
No, I've been gettin' engaged, and you might as 
well know it. jyjj^g^ ToBlN. 

(Furious.) 
You — you wouldn't dare. 

George. 
Yes I would. And if you don't let me have my 
way I'll tell Mr. Singleton that those letters weren't 
written to you at all. 

Mrs. Tobin. 
(Alarmed.) 
Hush, Georgie, don't talk so loud. 

Mrs. MacEckron enters from L. Dolly enters 
C. from R. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 

Oh, here's the lovely, blushing bride. Where's the 
happy bridegroom.? 

Mrs. Tobin. 

You just hold your horses. You'll see him in a 
minute. (To George.) Now you keep still till after 
the wedding. That's all I ask. (To Mrs. Mac- 
Eckron.) Now you'll see him. (Calls at the top of 
her voice.) Benny — Simmie — oh, Benny — oh, Sim- 

"^^^' Mrs. MacEckron. 

My goodness, you can't marry them both. 

Mrs. Tobin. 
Benjamin ! Simeon ! Have I got to come after you? 

Door R. C. opens slowly and Dr. Bellows enters, 

coat on, hut thoroughly crushed. Singleton does 

the same from L. ,, „ 

Mrs. Tobin. 

There, now, Mrs. MacEckron. Here's the happy 

bridegroom. 



146 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Mrs. MacEckron 
{To Dolly.) 
A female Brigham Young. 

Mrs. Tobin. 

It seems to me it is about time we got down to 

business. 

Singleton. 

Just a moment, I've forgotten something. 

Mrs. Tobin. 
You stay right here, Simeon. 
Dr. Bellows. 
(Up C. looking off R.) 
Wait a moment. Wait a moment. Singleton, here 
comes your nephew on the run. 

Augustus, out of breath, enters C. from R. 

Augustus. 
I beg pardon, but in the hindignation of the mo- 
ment I forgot my suit case. 

Dr. Bellows. 

Your suit case.? ~ 

Singleton. 

I thought you said it was my nephew.' 

Augustus. 
(Handing Dr. Bellows a check.) 
Yes, sir, I want my suit case, and here's the check 
you gave me, but I want my traveling expenses paid 
and the employment agent's fees. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Your uncle and I will arrange that. 

Augustus. 

My uncle.? _, 

Singleton. 

His uncle.? 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 147 

Positions. 
Augustus. Dr. Bellows. 

Mrs. MacE. \ P •) George. 

Mrs. Tobin. Singleton. 

(Down R.) {Down L.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
{Pointing to Singleton.) 
Isn't that your uncle? 

Augustus. 
No, sir, I never saw the gentleman before today. 

Singleton. 

That cockney my nephew.'' 

Dr. Bellows. 

And what the deuce do you mean by employment 

agent's fees? . 

•^ Augustus. 

Why, 'iggins, sir. 

Dr. Bellows. 

Great heavens ! I see it all. You came on an earlier 
train and — Singleton, what do you think, I tried to 
make your nephew clean my shoes. 

Singleton. 
Do you mean to say that this is the man you said 
behaved so badly down here? 

Dr. Bellows. 

Yes. It is. . 

Augustus. 

I apologize, sir. I did go a bit too far, but I'm a 

stranger in this country, and I did take things a bit 

too free and easy perhaps. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Yes, your idea of a democracy isn't exactly ours, 
Augustus, but stay and try again. 



148 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Algernon rushes on C. from R. and comes down, 
has Dr. Bellows' jacket over his arm. 

Algernon. 
I forgot to return this disreputable garment of 
yours, Dr. Bellows. (Tosses it at Dr. Bellows and 
starts back C.) 

(Everybody exclaims.) 

Singleton. 
There's Algernon, my nephew. 

Dr. Bellows. 

(To Algernon.) 

My young friend, my dear young friend. Do you 

know it would serve me right if you knocked me 

down ? . 

Algernon. 

I certainly do, and if you'd been a younger man, 

I'd have done it long ago. 

Singleton. 
It's all been a mistake, Algy. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Yes, you see, I thought you were the butler I had 
ordered sent down. (Dr. Bellows is shaking one of 
Algernon's hands and Singleton the other.) 

Algernon. 
That explains everything. (Gets into his own coat 
and vest, which are still on the sofa in his open suit 
case.) 

Maggie enters L. U. door through dining room 
carrying satchel, a bandbox, a suit box and an um- 

^^^^^«- Mrs. Tobin. 

When you all get settled down, I have a few words 
to say. (Sees Maggie.) Now what do you want? 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 149 

Maggie. 
I am leaving, and before I go I want the Doctor to 
look through my trunk and count the spoons. There 
is a certain party in this house (with a glare at Mrs. 
Tobin) that I wouldn't put anything past. 

Dr. Bellows. 

Count the spoons.? Nonsense. Where is my daugh- 
ter? 

Algernon and Augustus (together, pointing to 
Maggie). There she is. 

Dr. Bellows. 
Nonsense. That's Maggie Brady, our maid. 

Augustus. 
My Avord, is that so? 

Algernon. 
(His face lighting up.) 
That explains everything. 

Maggie. 
Here is Miss Florence. 

Florence enters R. 

Florence. 

Father, the minister is coming up the walk. 

(The bell rings. Dr. Bellows falls into Augus- 
tus' arms and Singleton into Algernon's arms, 
immedia tely recovering. ) 

Mrs. Tobin. 
Now I guess you'll pay attention to me. 

Florence. 
Maggie, go to the door. (Maggie exits R.) 

Augustus. 
So the maid is the mistress. 



150 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 

Algernon. 
And the mistress is the maid. 

Mrs. MacEckron. 
Florence, dear, everyone else seems paralyzed. Let 
me introduce you to Mr. Singleton's nephew. 
Algernon. 
Algernon Clawhammer at your service. 

Florence. 
Oh, how wonderful. 

(After recovering, Singleton and Dr. Bellows 
have gotten together C. Mrs. Tobin looks at both 
of them with a stern eye.) 

Mrs. Tobin. 
I have just about decided, Benjamin, that my feel- 
ings have cooled in the last twenty-five years. 
Dr. Bellows. 
( Thoughtfully.) 
Amelia, do you mean that? 

Mrs. Tobin. 
I could never love you as a wife should. 
Dr. Bellows. 
{With a low how.) 
I thank you. |^^g Tobin. 

While you, Simeon — 

Singleton. 
{Looking wildly around.) 
Help ! I've got to get back to the city. I've got 
to take the next train. {Begins grabbing everybody's 
hand and shaking it goodbye.) 

Mrs. Tobin. 
{Taking his arm and bringing him down stage.) 
Now, Simmie, don't make this too embarrassing for 
us both. You know very well what I know. All I 



WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 151 

need mention is what is in the bank at Skowhegan. 
You are a wild old thing, and somebody has got to 
tame you before you get one foot in the grave. 
Providence seems to have laid that work out for me. 

Singleton. 

(Under his breath to her.) 

This is sheer blackmail. 

Mrs. Tobin. 

Prove it then. „ 

Singleton. 

I only wish I had the nerve, but I could never face 

the yellow journals. (They continue talking in an 

undertone.) ,, ^ x r> 

^ Maggie enters from H. 

Maggie. 
The minister is waiting in the front parlor. (Casts 
a killing glance at Augustus, which he returns. Dr. 
Bellows over L. of Mrs. MacEckron.) 

Dr. Bellows. 
Why not make it a double wedding to save acci- 
dents. ,, ,, „ 

Mrs. MacJIiCkron. 

But, Doctor, this is so sudden. (Dolly nudget 

her and signals for her to accept.) Oh, well, if you 

will insist. 

Positions. 

Florence. 
Algernon. 

Maggie. y P •) Dolly. 

Augustus. George. 

(Up R.) (L. C.) 

Mrs. Tobin. Mrs. MacE. 

Singleton. Dr. Bellows. 

(R. C.) (Down L.) 



152 WHOSE LITTLE BRIDE ARE YOU? 



Mrs. Tobin. 

Come on, Simmie, and look pleasant. ( With a sigh 

of resignation Singleton gives her his arm and they 

start off R., followed hy Dr. Bellows and Mrs. 

MacEckron.) . 

Algernon. 

{To Florence, to whom he has been talking ani- 
matedly.) 
Why not.'' It was love at first sight. 

Florence. 
I dare if you dare. (Takes his arm and they fol- 
low the others.) . 

Augustus. 

I wonder if the Governor would object to another 
little wedding on the side. 

Maggie. i 

Leave it to me. (Arm in arm they follow.) | 

George. I 

(To Dolly.) 

We've got our mothers on the run. Why not 

make it a fiver. ^^ 

Dolly. 

I'm willing. This is our emancipation proclama- 
tion. 

(They follow. The dialogue must come very 
quickly during this last business before the charac- 
ters get off.) 

Curtain. 



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